


Stubborn Love

by myonlinelifeismorephantastic



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, High School AU, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myonlinelifeismorephantastic/pseuds/myonlinelifeismorephantastic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love; when it’s strong enough, it can span any distance, transcend any length of time, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You can try and hold back, you might have to, but love is simply more powerful. This, of course, means: when it crushes you, it comes down hard. Can love still save you when it’s the very thing hurting you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stubborn Love

12 Months

'I'll admit, this isn't quite the reaction I was hoping for after professing my love for you.' 

The words were muttered almost bitterly by the younger boy as he tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes. It had been only about two minutes since he'd spilled his heart out to the older boy and those two minutes were ones of complete silence in response up until this point. The older boy had done nothing but stare, opening his mouth a few times but immediately changing his mind and closing it again, awkwardly gawping at the brown haired boy in front of him who was growing visibly more and more distressed. 

'Should I...maybe I should just go?' Dan suggested, glancing awkwardly over his shoulder looking for an escape route, someone to drag him out of this mess he'd just slipped and fell in. Giving one last pained look towards Phil, cringing at the tense moment he’d created, he turned away at the same time the tears finally broke free and began rolling down his cheeks. 

Planning up to this moment Dan had never been quite sure what to expect but no scenario in his head had ended with Phil just...not saying anything at all. The months Dan had spent keeping this a secret seemed faintly ridiculous now that his long-awaited confession had been met with the blankest of stares. Dan had been hoping for a kind let down as the very worst, but apparently he'd miscalculated because Phil, best friend of six plus years, first a role model, then a mentor, a friend, best friend, more; obviously the feelings of affection only ran so deep on one side. 

'No, Dan, wait!' 

Phil cried out just in time to reach Dan before he walked out of grasp, throwing out a quick hand to halt the brown haired boy in his path. Surprised, Dan spun around, hopeful for the shortest of seconds before it really registered that Phil's expression remained somewhat regretful, forlorn. In any case Dan was certain Phil was not about to pull him into a warm kiss and repeat the words Dan could still hear echoing mockingly within his skull from when he had said them what seemed now like so many moments ago. 

'I-sorry, I just...Oh god.'

Phil struggled to get the words out, the effort to convey his feelings doing nothing but forcing tears out to match Dan's own. Wet blue eyes met damp brown ones before Phil pulled a shocked Dan into a close hug. The messages were so mixed now Dan couldn't have separated them if he tried but he took what little was offered to him and hugged the older boy back, wanting to comfort him even without understanding what was going on. 

'Phil?' He asked timidly as soon as he felt hot tears splashing onto his neck. In Dan's experience it really wasn't like Phil to cry over things, not his Phil who could see the good in everyone and everything. It was unusual Phil couldn't rationalize a happier response than this but this was only the beginning. 

'Phil? What's...what's up? Say something, please,' Dan pleaded as Phil only hugged him harder shaking his head. When he finally spoke his voice wavered, weak, hardly heard through the silent sobs that took priority. 

'Why couldn't you have told me this years ago?' Phil whispered, pulling back to show Dan an expression that was best described as broken and Dan was at a loss as to how to react. Not knowing what else to do but needing to comfort the heartbroken boy in front of him, Dan cautiously brought a gentle hand up to brush Phil's fringe from his face, keeping his gaze fixed on Phil’s watery eyes. 

'Phil? What-' Dan tried to asked, brow furrowing in the concentration required to try and work out where Phil's head was at right now because Dan wasn't quite so sure. 

'We could have had a chance,' Phil sniffled, letting Dan go to reach up and wipe the tears from his eyes instead, glancing away but tucking himself into Dan's touch still on his cheek. 

'Phil, calm down please. Tell me what you mean. What are you on abou-' Dan tried to ask but he never finished the question because he was cut off, his mouth suddenly given something else much more important to form shapes around than just words. 

Phil's kiss was slow and sweet, exactly how Dan had always imagined it, soft, delicate, a passion restrained. They kissed for what felt like hours after Dan's initial shock, the stiffness that followed naturally after the first surprise of finally having Phil's lips where he'd been dreaming of having them for a whole year now. Dan relaxed into the kiss soon enough, letting his lips part under Phil's as the older boy took control and the kiss grew more heated, more passion leaking through. But the kiss was wetter than it was supposed to be, still slightly more restrained than it was supposed to be if this was Phil's love confession and just as quickly as the kiss had started Dan was questioning it. 

He didn't have time to wonder if he should pull away before Phil already was, looking shocked and confused in himself, much the same way Dan felt. Dan opened his mouth wondering what to say now, wondering what Phil was about to say, but Phil got there first. 

'I'm sorry. I should...I really should go?' Phil stammered as if it were a question, letting go of Dan like he was something scorching hot but leaving Dan ice cold without Phil's touch. Without another word, no explanation, Phil was backing up, turning around, running away leaving Dan too confused to be heartbroken. 

11 Months

'Phil, this is getting ridiculous now, okay. You need to tell me what's going on! I'm worried about you all right. Just...where are we exactly? It's been a month; I told you I loved you, you kissed me, and now we've barely spoken. Did I fuck things up ‘cause I've honestly got no idea what's going on and I'm scared and I miss you! Why are you being so distant?!' 

Dan had finally cornered Phil on his way home from school, sick of Phil's strange and avoiding behavior, needing to know where they stood. Had Dan ruined their entire friendship in one fell swoop? Had he made exactly the wrong decision in telling Phil at all? Should he have kept his feelings to himself? If that were the case, however, the fact of the kiss seemed to contradict all of that leaving Dan more confused than ever. 

'Dan, please.' The pleading was sighed out as Phil slumped back against the wall in defeat. The courtyard was slowly emptying and Phil said nothing more till everyone was out of earshot. 'Don't make this harder than it has to be,' Phil begged, meeting Dan's gaze for only a short second before he had to look away again, unable to confront the anger in Dan's eyes. Phil just couldn't bear his best friend looking at him like that, so much confusion and hurt and disappointment hidden behind his gaze. He could ask for Dan not to make this any harder, but truthfully, it would have been a challenge for it to get any worse than this. It was just one of those situations with no right answer and Phil had only gone with the option that he thought would cause the least amount of pain in the end but how was he to know what was really right? 

'Why are you avoiding me?!' Dan demanded, ignoring Phil's request; he just needed his friend back, he needed some reassurance he hadn't driven Phil away. Phil was finally able to look up now however, meeting Dan's gaze with his own harder stare. The younger boy wasn't going to listen to Phil's reason he knew. Dan wouldn't obey when Phil asked him to make things easier. Dan needed answers and that left Phil with no option other than to give them; Dan wasn’t going to let him go otherwise. 

'If I had a choice I wouldn't, but-' Phil began but Dan cut him off angrily. It had been a month of this treatment, Dan was sick of it. He needed an explanation now. He’d needed an explanation yesterday, really. 

'Cut the bullshit Phil. Tell me what's going on!'

Phil sighed again, meeting Dan's gaze and hoping their familiar warmth would help calm his nerves but the usually mellow brown was blazing with a fiery determination Phil had never seen before. 

'You want the real answer, Dan? It's because I want you to fall out of love with me. I figured this was the quickest way to do it.'

At Phil's hard truth Dan literally recoiled in shock at the words. This was harsh, much harsher than Dan had anticipated and god did it hurt like hell. Quickly Dan could feel tears forming in his eyes, as he knew for certain now he had made the biggest mistake of his life a month ago. This was why Phil was being distant; this was why they'd hardly spoken for four weeks. Phil clearly resented the fact that Dan loved him and needed to change it as quickly as possible. Phil was acting now like Dan really was nothing more than the uncomfortably clingy fan boy tagging along behind him that Dan had always feared Phil would only ever see him as. But Phil finally voicing those thoughts hurt more than he'd expected it would. None of this explained the kiss but Dan was sure he'd already heard enough; the confession had struck him in the chest like a hammer and he'd nearly crumbled to the floor as it was. 

'Oh.' The soft sigh fell from his lips as Dan immediately felt himself shrink down from the equal he'd grown to naively view himself as, back to nothing more than the lonely, pathetic Year 7 on the playground who'd relied so much on the older Year 8, the only one who'd ever bothered to pay any attention. Taking a hesitant step back and commanding his tears not to fall, Dan glanced away nervously, terrified of whatever Phil could say next. He loved the older boy so desperately he knew it wouldn't take much to break him completely if Phil so chose. 

'No, Dan, wait, it's not like...that,' Phil struggled to explain, wanting to hit himself when he realised Dan's reaction; how the poor boy in front of him must be feeling now. He looked frozen, petrified with fear, and Phil had never hated himself more. How could he have been so harsh? God, he just needed to calm down and explain because he really hadn't been making the best decisions this past month and Dan deserved better. He didn't have much defense beyond claiming to be confused by the millions of thoughts and powerful emotions that had been swirling around his head since the moment those beautiful, cursed words had fallen from Dan's lips a month ago. I love you. How long had Phil spent dreaming of the younger boy voicing that exact thought and oh, how cruel was it that now, when he did, it was too late, just too late? 

'Fall…out of love,' Dan whispered, lower lip trembling and Phil needed nothing more than to pull him into a hug but that would only have confused things further, he was sure. There was only so much he could be allowed to play with the younger boy’s feelings before Dan really did fall out of love…maybe began to hate him. 

'Well no, Dan, not out, but oh,' he finished the sentence with a frustrated groan as he realised how hard it was to explain but it was too late. Dan was already trying his hardest to make sense of this whole messed up situation on his own, like he though Phil had already abandoned him. 

'Phil, please,' he whispered, begged. 'Just tell me what you mean because I've gone over every situation I can think of in my head and I still don't know what I've done wrong! Do you not love me back? Do you not want a relationship? Do you still see me as the scared little kid I was in Year 7? Did I make you too uncomfortable a month ago? Maybe I overstepped a line? You’re not ready for a relationship? I just don't know what you're really expecting from me, Phil, because I'm not sure I can just...stop, if that's what you want. I just…don't know! And I'm sorry if I've fucked everything up, have I? Just why can't you tell me?'

As if the pain already couldn't get worse Dan's words struck exactly the right chord in Phil to break all those barriers down and he started to cry too, embarrassing as that was. He couldn't help it, not when life seemed to have dealt him such a shit hand without any help on how to play it. 'Dan, believe me, I'm trying, but you have no idea how difficult this is to say! It's just such...bad timing, the worst timing. If we were anywhere other than where we are, god Dan, if it was any other time…Right now I'd be telling you I love you back, and I'd kiss you, and hold you close, and tell you how much you mean to me because you really do mean so, so much. But I can't because we are here and it's so hard because I never expected this to happen and now it has at the worst time. It's just too late for us, too late for there to be an us.'

'Phil, slower, please. You're still not making any sense!' Dan tried to interject before Phil went full force but it wasn't much use. 'Are you…what do you mean? You used to love me? You don’t any more? Is that what you're saying? If I'd told you a year ago would you have said it back? Two years?'

Phil sighed again as he gave up and let himself go. Beckoning the younger boy closer and pulling him into a hug he shouldn't have let himself have, Phil shook his head sadly. Taking the deepest, shuddering breath, he restarted, trying to make his words catch up to his racing thoughts. 

'No, Dan. I've always loved you. Years; it's been years and years and years. But I never thought you'd love me back, I never had much hope for that. Only now you do and it's just...things have come together too late to do anything about it. It sucks, oh my god does it suck! It feels like everything we have, could have had, it's all going to waste; nothing met up at the right time. It's so unfair! Why did you have to fall in love with me too late?' 

Phil was sobbing quietly again into Dan's shoulder as Dan hugged him back. Fittingly so raindrops began to fall as tears did; not that rain was unusual for the UK but it seemed that cloud was overhead just for their mourning now. Still confused, but on the right path to understanding, Dan, all his anger dissolved now, gently pulled Phil closer towards him, leading them out of the rain and to the side, undercover though it felt nothing could protect them now. Knowing he'd only get the full answer from Phil once the older boy was calm, Dan spent the next few moments gently rubbing his hand up and down Phil's back; a soothing gesture as he sighed into the boy's chest. 

As the moment wore on Dan was beginning to regret never telling Phil when he first realised he'd fallen madly in love with him, more than thirteen months previously. It was clear they could have had so much longer together if only they both hadn't been so scared of admitting the truth, but one final, key piece of information was missing for Dan to fully understand why his best friend was crying silently on his shoulder: why was it ‘too late’?

'Phil, I'm sorry. I still don't understand. Too late?' Dan whispered, frightened by whatever the answer might be. Did Phil already have a boyfriend; had he been trying to move on? Had he given up so much on Dan that his love had been tarnished somehow? Did he not love him in the same way anymore? 

Sniffling slightly, Phil eventually removed his head from Dan's shoulder, rubbing his eyes roughly. Their rims were now red from crying but to Dan, Phil was just as beautiful as ever, if not apparently a little damaged. 

'Dan, think about it,' Phil muttered bitterly, his harsh tone seemingly directed more at the space around them, at the Universe, at fate, rather than at Dan himself. 'It's only eleven months. We've only got eleven months left and that's just not long enough. I wanted a lifetime with you but we...we met too early in life and we're going to be torn apart. We met too young to realise what our feelings meant soon enough that we'd still have a chance to do anything about it. It's not fair. It's like we're stuck in the wrong time and it sucks!'

Dan sighed as Phil finished, wondering if he was ever going to get a straight answer from Phil. Everything had been spoken in cryptic terms so far leaving Dan still as lost as ever in Phil's words, confused, like he was trying to piece together his thoughts as a 500 000 piece jigsaw puzzle. 

'Phil, love, please. Why don't you calm down, take a few deep breaths, and start again from the beginning because I have no idea what you mean when you keep contradicting yourself.' Dan tried again gently before Phil caused himself any more damage and being so in love with the younger boy Phil didn't hesitate to listen and take Dan's advice. 'Here. Sit down next to me okay and talk me through whatever you have to. Maybe we've just misinterpreted something here and we can work it out, yeah? I want you to be happy.'

'We can't Dan. We can't work this out,' Phil argued, tired, shaking his head in protest but he copied Dan's actions as Dan gently lowered them to the floor, letting Phil rest against him. It was a sad sight to see now: two boys so hopelessly in love with one another but so long hesitant to do anything about it that now the golden window of opportunity had closed on them both and only Phil realised. 

'Okay, Phil, let's start from the beginning all right, the very beginning. Here, look at me.' Dan gently lifted Phil's chin so their eyes met before Dan repeated the words he'd spoken at this same spot in the school grounds a month ago. 'I love you okay. I've loved you since I was fifteen. You mean everything to me, everything. I said that, and you kissed me, and you freaked out. Now we've barely spoken for a month but I want to take this one step at a time, can you do that? I'm only asking you one thing right now: where are we? What's happening between us okay? Because I'm trying to understand, but you're giving me very mixed messages Philly.'

Looking into Dan's deep brown eyes Phil sighed, giving in and knowing before he even started to speak that he'd tell Dan everything, or at least all he could comprehend himself because he knew Dan deserved better treatment than this. He took a deep breath and when he let it out again it formed all the words he'd been afraid to say for a month. 

'I'm sorry I've been avoiding you for a month. I...I guess I can see now that probably wasn't the best call. It's...it's not I don't want you to love me...it's well, before it was almost…easier, you know? I'd accepted it. I never let myself believe you could love me back and after years I'd gotten used to it. The fact I'd be moving away from you at some point seemed less important then. Of course we'd stay friends, I mean, but I was almost hoping it could be my key to getting over you.' 

Phil admitted his thoughts quietly but they were loud as they echoed around Dan's head, deafening over the rain, the only thing that really registered. The only important thing in the entire Universe right now was the fact that Phil wanted to get over him and Dan could focus on nothing else. 

'Moving away?' he asked almost fearfully. Holding his breath waiting for Phil's answer, he prayed to any deity he could think of that Phil wasn't about to confide some horrible truth that he was moving school. Dan couldn't even imagine how he'd try and cope if his best friend, his rock, the very foundation of his being, just up and left him. 

'Dan,' Phil moaned, the sound of the name agony on his lips. 'You've known this; we've both known this for years. It's always been coming.'

'Phil,' Dan cried back, sitting up now to face his friend front on, a wild look in his eye that told Phil he still didn't understand. 'What are you so afraid of? What don't you want to tell me? Yes, I can see you're hiding something; there's something causing this tension between us. I know I might have fucked things up telling you how I feel but that doesn't change the fact that I'm your best friend, does it? Just because I have a stupid little crush on you doesn't mean I'm not here for you just like I've always been, so tell me!' Dan demanded taking Phil's hands between his own and squeezing them tight as Phil once more shook his head. 

'Your crush isn't stupid and it's not just a little crush, Dan. I just wish I'd realised that earlier. It would have been worth it,' Phil sighed, a sense of longing now, forlorn; Dan couldn't mimic his emotions though because what did Phil mean by that? Why couldn’t he just say it? 

'Phil, I'm not Sherlock. Say it in English!' Dan begged, finally breaking through the wall Phil had been building between them, finally. Slowly Phil looked up, giving Dan the saddest expression Dan had ever seen on anyone’s face. This was the expression of someone forced to make an impossible choice, complete with the ever-lasting fear they were making the wrong one etched into their gaze. 

'I don't want to hear myself say it out loud anymore than you do, Dan. I'm so sorry, but it's just not something I can't think about.' Phil paused here and for a second Dan wasn't sure he was going to continue, but he did and when he did it wasn't pretty. 

'Look, I love you and you love me and that's supposed to be happy, it's supposed to be wonderful and the best days of our lives! You'd think it was obvious what we're supposed to do here, right? But it's more complicated than that, and I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression by kissing you, then ignoring you, but I didn't know how else to handle it. It's just...it's October now. In less than a year I won't go to this school anymore. In less than a year I'll be moving away, god knows where, to university and I'm going to be leaving you behind and that thought has been killing me for months and months and especially this last one. I can't just ignore it because it's not just a little irrelevant detail Dan, I know you're going to say that.' 

'But right now it's October, like you said. It's not eleven months away, is it? Right now, right here, we love each other, don't we? We can deal with eleven months away in eleven months,' Dan suggested with a small smile, leaning closer almost automatically, searching for the kiss he hoped would make it all better but Phil wasn't that easy to persuade. 

'Dan, don't,' Phil whined, pushing him away and Dan sat back, dejected when Phil's features screwed up in pain, groaning under the emotional turmoil. 'I wish we didn't love each other, okay. Then I wouldn't have to make this choice, but it's always been the only outcome, hasn't it? You're in Year 12 and I'm Year 13...'

'Phil, one year! Are you kidding me? That's nothing!'

'If this was purely an age thing I'd agree with you,' Phil sighed, silently begging Dan to just not be so stubborn, to please listen to him. 'But it's not just that, you know it's not. In less than a year I won't be here. You won't see me everyday; it won't be like this. We have a deadline, and I don't want to make the inevitable rip any more painful than it has to be when our time runs out.'

Phil finished out of breath, breathing heavily as he looked between Dan's eyes but neither left nor right showed any signs of true understanding from the younger boy; only denial and that ever-stubborn nature reflected back on Phil. 

'So you don't want to be with me?' Dan asked softly, but his words were a challenge posed to the older boy, an aggravating one, like he was only searching for conflict now. 

'No. God. Yes! But ugh Dan, you're so infuriating! I can't be with you. You know I can't! But if I say I don't want to be with you you're just going to turn that around on me!' Phil replied, the emotions anger and frustration now causing the blurring of his vision as he kept his gaze locked on Dan. 

'If you really loved me...' Dan muttered, turning away from Phil's harsher than intended stare, not wanting to see the look in his love's eyes when the expected rejection came. 

'Dan, don't fucking say that,' Phil growled, but the harshness to his tone didn't translate into his touch; a soft and gentle touch, almost nothing more than a caress as Phil handled Dan like he would break, tipping the younger boy’s chin up to meet his gaze once more. 'You think I don't love you? How can you say that? You think I don't love the idea of dating you? You think I haven't been falling asleep hoping to dream of just that every night for the last four years?' Phil demanded, tone hardly softening and cutting Dan straight to the bone but that was how he knew the passion was there and it was real and for a moment the words were beautiful. 

'But it's too late now,' Phil continued although Dan wished he hadn't. Dan would forever wish Phil had left it at the sweeter words and nothing more but it was too late now. 'It's just too fucking late! What would we do? Date for eleven months and then just...nothing? Break up? Because I don't think I could do that Dan!' Phil's voice broke at the end, a hollow choke that tugged on Dan's heartstrings causing him to want to pull the crying boy into his arms again despite the constant, never-ceasing rejection. Dan's love was a powerful force to overcome that. 

'Long distance is a thing, Phil,' Dan replied timidly after a moment of no sound other than Phil's heavy breathing. Not for the first time tonight Dan was longing for nothing more than to just push every emotion aside apart from the part of him that wanted to cuddle up next to Phil and just not think about anything but the feel of the boy's form against him. 

'Dan, get real,' Phil muttered with the harshest tone he'd used all night. This time it was clear what Phil thought of Dan's suggestion and despite Dan trying to push it away still, anger welled up again from deep inside him as Phil voiced his opposite opinion. 'When does long distance ever work out?' He spoke the words with what was almost a laugh of disbelief and Dan was insulted. Did Phil really think, out of all the couples in the world that had tried, they, Dan and Phil, would be a part of the group to fall apart?

'When two people love each other enough to make it work,' Dan retorted, furious at Phil's all too casual murder of his ideals of true love. It was as if he didn't care about Dan's feelings at all, despite claiming to love him, of all things. 

'Just because two people love each other doesn't magically mean things work out, Dan! Haven't you been listening at all? Love is not the solution to every problem! In this case it's the source of the problem!' 

'Well if we mean that little to you! If my love means nothing!'

'Dan don't be like that. Stop being so obtuse! You know it wouldn't work. We'd get too busy. It would get too hard! It's not as easy as just a Skype call every now and then, and keeping up with communication, and visits every few months; you know it wouldn't work!' Phil cried, so desperately wishing Dan could just see it from his side that he was near crying again. His way would save so much pain in the end, wouldn't it? That was only for the best, right? 

'Do I?' Dan countered, most definitely annoyed now. Why did Phil get to decide what happened? Why was Phil the only one that mattered according to him? Why couldn't he just listen to Dan; he was the one fighting for them after all, Phil seemed to be fighting against! What hurt the most though was how far Phil seemed to believe they really couldn't have the happiness Dan knew they both deserved. Phil was right, this really wasn't fair, but it could be, so easily. 

They were both holding back tears again now. Dan was angry at Phil. Phil was silently pleading with Dan not to be angry. It seemed neither would win. 'Dan don't make this any harder than it has to be, please,' Phil begged; he couldn't bear to meet Dan's cold gaze, the boy he loved directing such anger towards him. It was all Phil's fault; everything was just too hard. Phil wanted to walk away again, like he'd done last time, just put off the end of this heartbreaking conversation because their relationship was teetering on the edge of an abyss that one wrong word could tip the balance of. One more hurt feeling and maybe it wouldn't matter who loved who and who was leaving in eleven months because there would be no more Dan and Phil to be torn apart anyway. Phil wanted to avoid that scenario at all costs and the only way he was sure he could, would be to avoid this moment right now, but with Dan giving him such a disappointed glare escape wouldn't be so easy. 

'Look I'm sorry, you know how sorry I am that it just has to be this way. It's the suckiest thing in the world all right, I know, believe me, I know,' Phil tried to reason, holding Dan back down, gripping his hands tightly where Dan had stood up, trying to walk away himself. Dan didn't want to hear another word out of Phil's mouth if it was only going to be so negative but Phil's grip was tight on Dan's hands, and his heart. Giving in, Dan stopped trying to walk away but remained standing, leaving Phil to look up at him with a silent look of gratitude, thankful to him for listening. 

'Look, as amazing as it would be for now, I just can't see us having any sort of future that doesn't end in some form of heartbreak for both of us. I know you're not going to want to hear this, but honestly, I'm only trying to protect you, Dan. I don't want to see you hurting, okay. I know my actions this past month haven't exactly reflected that, because I know I’ve been causing you a lot of pain and that was a mistake...but as far as I can see, it won't be a good idea to get ourselves into something that we know has such a devastating ending, okay. There's no point causing heartbreak that we can avoid, all right, because it's too late, we’re too far down the line for me to walk into something willingly, knowing what would happen in eleven months. I don’t know, maybe if you'd told me you loved me a year ago I'd be saying something different, university would be far enough away it wouldn't be on my radar. But for now, it is. So I'm sorry, but no matter how you feel I just don't think I can innocently let us fall deeper in love knowing I have to leave you at the end. Eleven months is just too short, but we'll get over it. Yeah? I don't want to destroy our friendship either.'

When Phil finished Dan couldn't speak for a moment. In that time he didn't know whether to be angry still with Phil, or sympathetic, or even whether he understood Phil's point of view at all; he just couldn't feel for a moment. Maybe he was numb from the cold that was beginning to seep into his bones from the outside, or else it was just the rejection of the boy he'd been secretly in love with for so long now. This was never how this was supposed to go. Knowing what he knew now about how Phil felt, however, above all else Dan felt regret that he'd talked himself out of telling Phil his secret for so many long months. If only he'd kissed the pretty blue-eyed boy sooner, maybe now they'd be home in each other's arms instead of hanging onto a friendship that could disintegrate at any second. 

'What if I don't want to get over you, Phil? What if I can’t? What if the damage is already done because we fell in love in the first place, huh? There's no going back anyway, so why can't we take the time we have left and make the most out of it?'

Dan's words were as cold as his heart right now. They came pouring out of his mouth and he felt them so hard he didn't feel them at all. Phil finally let go of Dan's hands, opening his mouth to reply, but Dan didn't need an answer right now. All he needed was some time to himself to try and sort things out, inevitably fail, and then cry over the terrible turn their lives had taken. All it took was one twisted mindset that lead to one controversial decision that lead quickly to a meltdown, a catastrophe to which there was no easy fix, maybe even no fix at all. Right now Dan couldn't see a way out; he didn't know who was right or how the scales of happiness and depression weighed out. He just couldn't think, not over the sound of the rain. 

'This isn't fair,' Dan muttered as Phil's hands dropped into his lap. And then Dan turned and left; walking away to leave Phil broken on the pavement and the colour grey of the sky exactly represented what little hope there seemed to be left for the pairing. 

Ten Months 

'We've still got ten months though, Phil. It's a whole ten months until you're going to university. Ten months is a long time!' 

Ten months was one less than eleven as it had been yet another month they'd put off doing anything about the catch 22 they were in. It really seemed an impossible situation, damned if you do, damned if you don't; there was no simple explanation to decide which way was best, hence, the topic was somewhat taboo for now. 

While Phil was resolute, Dan wasn't going to stop trying. Both sides had their arguments and both sides thought they were only doing what was best and there was no agreement, no acceptance of the other army's logic. Dan would continue to have no real concept of time in Phil's opinion, and Phil would be holding them back from happiness according to Dan. It was a lose-lose situation. 

'It's really not, Dan,' Phil sighed giving the younger boy a sad smile. 'I wish it was, I really, really wish it was, but it's not that long at all. I know, I know it sucks,' he added softly, giving in for once as Dan leant over, sinking closer until he was hesitantly lying his head on Phil's shoulder but not feeling much more comforted even as the older boy allowed it. The younger boy loved to believe they were timeless. He loved to delude himself that the boy he'd fallen in love with wasn't in the school year above, and wouldn't be leaving him alone in a year's time to go to university. He loved to pretend that didn't bother him as much as it did. As far as Dan liked to be concerned life should be taken one moment at a time and therefore you should make the most out of every moment because who knew what could happen later. He'd deal with the heartbreak when he got to it. Phil, on the other hand, needed to plan ahead. He needed to know the consequences of every action, weigh up every pro and con, meticulous and precise, overthinking to the point of insanity. He wasn't one to enter into something lightly. 

If that weren't the case Dan figured Phil would probably be a little more receptive to his advances, a little more willing to let his feelings grow knowing they'd have a better chance of keeping something together after the year was up. Life is cruel though, and things hadn't worked out that way, leaving Dan desperately in love with Phil, Phil reluctantly in love with Dan, and the painful tension between them that was the result of this unsatisfying, unresolved ending. 

'I know I've told you this before Dan, hun, but just think about it again, please. So say we do get together, and it's great and amazing for another ten months...'

'Yeah, exactly, great and amazing,' Dan repeated, lifting his head hopefully and pressing his luck moving forward in search of a kiss Phil would never give him. 

'Dan, how great is it really going to be though,' Phil argued, pushing him away, 'when we forever have this looming deadline over our heads? We'd know exactly where the end of the line was and I know you like to think it won't be a problem but it would. It would get in the way and it might just ruin it all. It's better to just...stay away from that territory altogether. Why risk what we already have?' 

Dan gave Phil a disappointed look, sitting back now, all affection washing away fast. 'You say things like that and it only makes me feel like you wish I'd never fallen in love with you,' he muttered, turning to face the front as he pulled his knees up to his chest. He didn't need the older boy to see how truly hurt he was by that idea, but he did a poor job of hiding it really; Phil saw right through that, of course he did. 

'Dan, come on. Don't say that, you know it's not true,' Phil murmured softly but he was being truthful. As much as it made the situation more difficult, Phil didn't want to deny Dan's feelings completely. It made some things easier at least, easing the pain of an unrequited love, although the new pain more than compensated. 

'It would have made things easier,' Dan muttered, staring hard at the wall hearing Phil sigh behind him. The bed shifted and a moment later Dan felt Phil's arms wrap around him from behind, the touch easing Dan only a little bit, but he gave in and curled around into Phil's arms, taking whatever he could get. 

'I'm sorry,' Phil whispered as Dan hugged him back, their legs tangling together under the sheets. It was an intimate hug yet still platonic in intention, just another confusing message caused by an affection that wasn't meant to be shown, yet was leaking through unavoidably. Maybe Dan could kid himself that this was enough; being with Phil without really being with him at all. 

'We don't have to talk about this now,' Phil added more sternly, causing Dan to make a small noise of disapproval so Phil hugged him tighter. 'Dan, please.' The pleading from both ends never seemed to stop; both begging the other to see what they thought was the most logical side. It was like they were never going to realise that, when it came to love and affection, how you logic it all out doesn't really affect how your feelings are going to behave anyway. You can try and convince yourself you're only giving your best friend a comforting hug but in reality, deep down, you never want that contact to end. 

'Yeah okay Phil; I'll drop it for now. Let's not ruin the night, okay?' Dan muttered eventually, finally giving in for now, but sitting up away from the older boy who gave him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Dan responded just as enthusiastically. 

'Good plan,' Phil murmured, nodding absently as Dan sighed, giving up for now and laying back down on the bed next to Phil. It was late; much too late for talking so maybe for now it was for the best, but the longer things stayed unresolved the closer they came to potential destruction. 

The two boys lay more than a foot apart, as they usually did, neither wanting to admit to themselves how badly they wished they were closer to the other, although their deceptions were for very different reasons. Phil maintained that he knew best; he was only doing what would be the best for both of them. Even if it hurt now it was better than how much it might hurt later, wasn't it? Dan, on the other hand, was really only scared of seeming too needy in his attempts to convince Phil he was wrong and pushing Phil further away in the process; he didn't want to lose him as a friend too. It was a lose-lose situation. No one was satisfied with their outcomes. 

9 Months 

They were still friends, of course they were, nothing would ever change that, but months of unresolved tensions made things a little awkward between them. For too many months they'd left certain things unsaid but their doubts were ever growing. 

Phil began worrying, in a vague sort of way, that maybe he was missing something. Time and time again he ran through his reasoning, his arguments, in his head and every time something just never felt right. He spent countless hours convincing himself this was the best way, but could never quite think those same thoughts with as much conviction whenever he met Dan's forlorn smile in the hallway on the way to class. He was growing distracted, his grades dropping; he was thinking about Dan more in class than his studies and he could never shake the feeling that something just wasn't quite right here. 

On the other side, Dan was growing more and more desperate for Phil to see the light; there was only so long he could hang onto the small bit of hope he had left, only so long he could hold himself back from just giving up and accepting maybe Phil was right after all. Maybe they were just star-crossed in the strangest way, never really meant to be, no matter how perfect Dan knew they'd be together. Maybe Phil had been right all along: they'd just met at the wrong time in their lives, a time when everything was just too tentative for true love. 

Days went by, turning into weeks, then another month, and every second a second closer to the deadline, yet everything was still up in the air. Maybe they'd sort through their differences eventually and meet a compromise in the middle. Or else they'd grow tired of fighting and their feelings would fall into their rightful place. Only time could tell and the clock kept ticking. 

7 Months 

The tension had faded somewhat now; there was only so long they could stay mad at each other and by this point it was pretty clear they weren't going to budge on the matter. They'd given up, sort of, or at least accepted that no matter how much they disagreed over it all, and no matter how many times they tried to use the same old arguments, nobody was going to see the light. So back to being friends they were trying other tactics, but holding back from their feelings was growing harder and harder each day. More than once they'd caved because whatever pain there was and at whatever time it might occur, right now, this moment, they still loved each other and that was the hardest to deny. 

This left them in a situation where now, Dan was only trying to catch Phil off guard, and Phil had settled for accepting that lonely feeling something was wrong was nothing more than the pain of keeping himself from the boy he loved; he going to ignore that though because it was easier than dealing. Dealing with it meant finding a way to cope and Phil knew he couldn't cope no matter what he did so there wasn’t much point trying. 

'You know,' Dan started suggestively one day where the two of them had just otherwise been quietly enjoying what little time they had left together. They'd been sat next to each other in the far back corner of the sixth form common room, taking advantage of one of their few shared timetabled free periods doing what everyone else was doing really; chatting, just casual talk and banter for a while, before it fell subdue and nothing was said for the few moments previous to Dan taking his opportunity. 

'If you were ever going to change your mind…you may as well do it sooner rather than later,' he noted, taking Phil's hand on the small space between them as he glanced up, hesitating as blue eyes met his with a warning. Dan persisted regardless, powering ahead. 

'Otherwise you're just wasting precious, precious time,' he murmured softly, taking his gaze down to their entwined hands now. He could feel Phil shifting uncomfortably beside him, throwing a cautious glance out towards the rest of the room. Not that anyone else was actually paying the slightest bit of attention and as far as Dan was concerned, they were the only two in the room. The only two who mattered anyway. 

'Dan, you know I'm not going to change my mind,' Phil enforced, taking his hand back forcefully but regretting it the moment he saw a small wince of pain cross Dan's features. Phil sighed, softening under Dan's gaze. Those goddamn puppy dog eyes the younger boy would make; it was hard for Phil to be as strict as he needed when Dan could just play him like this. 'We've gone over this,' Phil murmured, tired, he was sick of this pain, ‘please don't make me say it all again.' He was begging again, though he knew that never worked well with Dan. Phil certainly had picked a stubborn one to fall in love with. 

'I know. I'm just reminding you,' Dan replied, trying to remain casual although he was actually somewhat bitter again at Phil's quick jump to the pleading and the begging that was wearing Dan down so much. No matter what Dan said, whatever angle he took, Phil's argument was always the same exhausted response. Please, can we not talk about this now? If not now, when? Don't make me say it again. But no matter how many times Phil said the same words it never made sense to Dan. Dan refused to believe what they were going through now was any easier than the alternative. 

'Dan. I'm well aware of our deadline,' Phil replied with a little more conviction this time, but Dan could see him throw a quick glance towards his books on the table. He knew Phil was hoping he could get out of this with some lie of a homework excuse and Dan wasn't about to let him off so quickly. 

'Only seven months,' he replied softly, only letting himself cringe internally at how short a time that really seemed now. It was February and now, in the new year, September seemed an awful lot sooner than it did about six weeks ago. Dan wasn't quite sure how he'd manage that break at the end whether Phil loved him or not. 'It's going to hurt anyway, you know,' Dan muttered, sighing angrily as he saw Phil was definitely not in the mood to debate things right now. Phil was never in the mood to discuss their inevitable future, like he was hoping if he just didn’t think about it hard enough maybe it wouldn’t happen at all. 

When Phil didn't reply to that Dan was about to give up again for now but that didn't stop him from being annoyed. He scowled down at the floor, making a show of shuffling away from Phil slightly as he tucked his knees up against his chest, feet resting on the couch. Their hands were nowhere near touching now, Dan deciding there probably wasn't much he could do right now in the way of convincing Phil he'd miss their intimacy anyway. 

'Dan?' Phil's soft voice broke through their silence and Dan glared one last time at the grey carpet before allowing himself to look up and take in Phil’s small, sympathetic half smile. His lips curled downwards pretty much as soon as he started to speak again, however, and Dan sighed, resolving himself to the fact he wasn't truly mad at Phil. It was just this whole, stupid situation they'd found themselves in, and even as Phil spoke words Dan desperately did not want to hear, he was softening to the older boy once again; he couldn’t help it. 

'I know you're still hoping I'm going to change my mind about all of this,' Phil murmured, his voice gentle but the words harsh in their own way. Dan frowned at the accusation, but Phil was right and Dan thought it sort of ridiculous that Phil was speaking with such knowing tones when it was already glaringly obvious to Dan; of course he was never going to give up hope completely! That would mean accepting his fate and Phil's ideal and Dan wasn't about to let the Universe, or Phil for that matter, trample all over his feelings like that. 

'But I need you to stop.'

The words sliced through Dan's soul like the sharpest of knives; they dug deep and cut clean, and all too easily. Giving up hope for Dan was giving up altogether. Phil wanted Dan to give up on them. The older boy didn’t have any hope though. Everything he said he felt was real, not just some lie fabricated to supposedly make it any easier. Phil had never had any hope for them from the very beginning. 

'It won't change anything all right. There's nothing we can do to fight this, it's just how it is.' Phil was droning on but Dan wasn't really listening anymore. He was reaching out; desperately grasping for just about anything he could still hold onto, any part of Phil that didn't fully believe they were doomed. If Phil felt this way, really and truly, Dan would sort of be forced to accept it too, even if he didn't want to and god did he not want it to come to that. There could still be hope, couldn't there? People can change their minds; people can be persuaded. Dan only needed the right words, the right actions. 

'Dan, I'm sorry. I know I'm upsetting you, but well, it's my fault anyway. I haven't been strict enough. I've probably given you false hope letting us...well, some things-' Phil stopped, cheeks flushing in chagrin and Dan felt his face heat too. He knew exactly what Phil was talking about, not that he'd assumed that one extra kiss a few days ago meant anything along the lines of him winning, no false hope there; it was more a testament to the fact Phil had really crap self control. 

'I'm not trying to cut myself off from you completely,' Phil went back to begging, his pleading tone speaking volumes of thoughts and feelings Dan didn't want to understand, but he'd be lying if he said he couldn't see Phil's truth anymore. Considering they were currently 'purely platonic', the semi-regular make-out sessions probably weren't the best thing to be doing. 

'It's just...well, some boundaries might help?' Phil suggested, but his statement was more a question, asking if Dan would be okay with that idea like Dan would ever be okay with the notion of Phil removing him like he was some sort of life-sucking parasite. 'If we're trying to stay friends and all...We probably shouldn't be doing this,' he added, and it was only at Phil's soft squeeze of his hand that Dan realised as Phil glanced down he was indicating to their fingers which had once again become entwined on the rough fabric of the couch, unable to resist the magnetic pull that had been heightened by months of denial. It was only something small, yes, but it was something softer amongst the normal pain, something comforting, yet Phil wanted to take that away too. 

'Phil! This is nothing!' Dan cried growing quickly more desperate as Phil took his hand back, breaking off their contact leaving Dan nothing to hang onto. But Phil was shaking his head sadly in response and there was nothing Dan could do to stop it. 

'No, it's something and you know it is,' Phil answered with that cold forcefulness to his voice again, a tone that quite clearly seemed to convey he didn't need Dan as much as Dan needed him. Phil could let go and let himself move on too easily. Maybe that had come from the many more years of lost hope living with unrequited love. Phil was used to a distance he didn't want. Dan wasn't. 'You know this is only the first step, Dan. This leads to other things I know you know we shouldn't be doing.'

The words were accompanied by a quick but unmistakable glance, Phil's eyes dropping to Dan's lips before darting back up to lose themselves in a brown gaze that was hurt and angry and felt betrayed. What they'd done hadn't been much, just a few kisses really; nothing that was going to really add to the pain significantly, considering it was so unbearable already. Yet Phil still wanted to take away the only good thing they had left, the only part of this Dan was still enjoying. Love sort of sucks, but he'd figured a few kisses here and there and a close hug was something he could make do with. Now he was expected to just stand back and pretend they weren't in love at all? Deny himself everything he wanted from life? Could Phil really think it was better that way? 

Dan didn't want to stick around to find out the answer to that question. He didn't want to be around Phil right now. He'd find him later, maybe, when Phil was in a more pliable mood, because right now when life was already pissing Dan off enough, Phil adding to the mix didn't exactly help matters. So yanking himself away from a shocked Phil, Dan stood up angrily, throwing a cold-hearted glare back in the older boy’s direction. 

'Will I be allowed to hug you goodbye at the train station in seven months time, or is that off limits too?' 

Dan regretted the harsh words that had slipped out in the heat of the moment the second they were made heard, but he didn't regret the emotion that birthed the reckless remark. He was bitter and it was perfectly fair, he thought, to feel that way given what Phil was doing to him. And especially considering, more and more now, it was seeming the older boy had no regard for Dan's feelings at all, perfectly happy to bash them about like he was Phil's personal punching bag. So instead of staying to hear Phil's response and risk more pain, the younger boy left, only having time to throw one last quick glance in Phil's direction and mutter something about going to class before Phil was out of sight and hopefully out of mind for now. That one quick glance however was plenty enough time to recognize the heartache and pain evident in Phil's expression now, and it was a look whose memory seared itself onto Dan's soul like a brand that could never be removed, representative of a hateful comment that could never be taken back. 

Dan didn't go to class like he’d said. He went straight from the common room to the bench upon which he'd first told Phil he loved him and he cried. 

6 Months 

Dan should have known Phil's self control wasn't going to last long and it really didn't once the six-month limit hit and they both realised half their time was up. Really, the pain couldn't get too much worse from now could it? Wasn’t it was already bad enough? They may as well indulge for all the difference it would make, right? 

This was the vague explanation for how Phil found himself in Dan's bed one Friday after school despite his favour towards those carefully constructed barriers. The walls broke down quickly, so fast Phil was struggling to keep up, leaving him no choice but to just go along with it. His immediate reaction when Dan clearly started coming onto him was that he'd made a serious mistake and should never have agreed to come over and 'play video games' in the first place, but that thought was quickly snuffed to be replaced with something along the lines of...well he couldn't really think at all. 

He knew it was wrong, god did Phil know just how wrong this really was, but sometimes, just sometimes, he couldn't help it. He'd always had a particular weak spot for Dan, of course, and in the last few weeks he'd been feeling so sad and isolated every time Dan so much as threw the shortest glance in his direction. Phil wasn't sure he could take it anymore; he certainly didn't want to, even if he could summon the energy to try, and that was why, when one minute they were platonic and the next not so much, Phil just gave up and gave in. One moment with Dan would be all right, wouldn't it? It certainly wouldn't be enough, just one short moment, but it couldn't hurt. And Phil was human, he was going to make mistakes; as perfect as he'd tried to be he was human, no matter how much he hated it. He might have been able to stop himself had it occurred to him all this emotionality on his behalf was probably eating Dan up inside, but in the moment all Phil was considering was how nice it would feel, just for this moment only, to just sort of...let it happen. He had all this pent up love and affection that had been struggling to get out for years but remained unshared; it needed to be channeled into something, didn't it? It was bound to leak out now and again anyway. 

And Dan just had this way of catching Phil off guard, starting by just sitting close but then coming ever closer and being just the right amount of distracting to make it all too easy for Phil to forget what else was going on for now and instead let the moment happen how it was going to happen. One moment they'd be lying close, arms maybe touching as they watched a show neither of them was really watching all, but then Dan would stretch a little, shuffling against Phil for a moment before coming down to rest in a position that was now much closer to cuddling. This progressed slowly over the course of an entire episode eventually reaching the point of no return when hesitantly, Dan would move his hand, letting his arm come to rest over Phil's chest as he 'innocently' cuddled up closest. 

'Dan,' Phil warned, but his heart really wasn't in it because it was warm here with Dan wrapped around him and it was nice, and it was comfortable and this, this is what life should be, he thought. He didn't want it to end and Dan was relying on that. 

'Just for five minutes?' Dan reasoned hopefully but was secretly gambling on a lot more than a rationed cuddle. Phil was losing a lot of comprehension on why this was wrong by the time he felt Dan's answering grin to his reluctant agreement curling up on his neck, tickling the delicate skin there. 

The next episode began to roll but it still wasn't like anyone in the room was watching because soon after the opening credits Phil felt the second soft kiss to his neck. From that point onwards as loudly as part of him was screaming no, another part was screaming about how damn much he loved the younger boy and it was only a short battle between two halves of Phil's mind before the path of least resistance took hold. When Phil next spoke Dan's name it was being murmured against the boy’s lips as they shared a forbidden kiss. 

The kiss went on and on and on, far longer than it should have, but the longer it went on the harder it was to pull away. There'd be consequences later for sure, but right now Phil thought he had much more important things to focus on. It was easy really, because time sort of ceased to exist, lost all meaning, so the lack of it didn't bother anyone for once. Deadlines: what were those?

'We really shouldn't have done that,' Phil muttered some time later when they'd finally pulled away. He still wasn't quite convinced of his own words even, but before the time when he fully came back to his senses he was relying on that small part of his mind now reminding him there was a reason they were supposed to be holding back. Oh yeah, that was right: six months. Phil plummeted quickly from the high as he was reminded why kissing Dan was really a bad idea although it had seemed like such a good one at the time. To Phil's side, however, Dan was propping himself up on his elbows to grin down at Phil, euphoric still in his success of catching Phil off guard. 

'You loved it,' Dan replied suggestively as Phil frowned up at him, but Dan knew he was winning because Phil was blushing again telling Dan he was on the right track. 

'Dan,' Phil warned, half hearted only because he wanted to argue with himself as well, but the matter had to be closed. It was hard to believe something that had felt so right not a minute ago was really so wrong, but Phil had had six months practice forcing himself to live that lie; he wasn't about to let himself ruin it all now for the sake of one kiss with Dan. 

'You wanna do it more,' Dan interjected still grinning. He definitely wasn't in the mood for serious talk right now, not when he'd just spent half an hour kissing Phil Lester; he didn't want Phil to go and ruin his good mood for him now with his negativity and talk of how wrong it all was. He'd had six bloody months of that, more fights than he'd ever dreamed it was possible for him to have with Phil. He'd walked out on the older boy so many times because he just didn't want to listen, but he knew, deep down, as bad a solution as it was, Phil was only trying to do what was best for them. It was just hard to really believe, or even believe Phil truly thought so, that this was what was best. So when Phil sighed, sitting up again next to Dan and looking like he was about to launch into another one of his serious disapproval talks, Dan fought to keep the mood light. 

'This doesn't mean we're dating, Dan,' Phil murmured, meeting Dan's gaze with a sadness mixed into the usually bright blue that Dan could easily guess the reason behind. One kiss didn't mean too much after all, it was just one kiss. No matter how much Phil knew Dan wanted to let it mean something more, it couldn't, not now, not ever. Dan had been hoping it meant something more, so his next words were a lie, just like the rest. 

'I never said it did,' he replied, on the defense but Phil's forlorn smile said it all. He'd known the younger boy for years; long enough to know exactly when his face was giving away a lie, and this was the biggest lie in their history. Dan still had hope and Phil was still trying his best to crush it. It was clear Dan had imagined some extra meaning to that kiss, maybe a promise something else was going to happen, but all it had been for Phil was a lapse of self-control, right? It definitely did mean Phil wanted to give up their whole facade now. 

'Dan. I'm not about to take advantage of you if that's what you're expecting,' Phil murmured, desperately hoping, pleading with God that that wasn’t what Dan had been wanting, begging for forgiveness for how far he'd taken it already. Too far. Too far to be fair to either of them. The last half hour had been a mistake, such a big mistake. Yet Dan was still grinning with that hint of smugness, unable or unwilling to realise how much it was torturing Phil on the other side. 

'I never said that either, did I?' Dan replied with that cocky grin still in place, leaving Phil distracted again. He could have gotten annoyed with Phil but Dan felt he'd been frustrated with Phil for too long; he just couldn't bring himself to get mad any longer, not today at least. He was too tired of it all and it wasn't like it ever made anything better when they argued; all it did was bring more pain down on their lives. So instead of anger, Dan stuck with the lighthearted, witty banter that didn't really help any situation either. 

'All I did was prove I'm irresistible,' Dan noted, causing Phil to roll his eyes at Dan's expression; cocky, just the right amount of sass, all coming out through a grin with his tongue poking between his teeth. It sort of made him look unfairly adorable in Phil's eyes and well, irresistible. Dan sort of had a point. 

'Dan, it was only one kiss,' Phil reminded him patiently, but Dan wasn't listening, wasn't hearing what Phil was trying to say. 

'One thirty-minute-long make out session you mean,' Dan replied still grinning, able to see Phil was trying to be serious, but working laboriously to change that around, not to much avail though. 'So a bit more than one kiss. A new record actually.' 

'Dan. Please. Listen to me. That doesn't mean-' Phil started but Dan chose to cut him off with another kiss. Just a quick peck on the lips but enough to shut Phil up as Dan's expression softened. The cockiness was gone now, replaced by something much gentler, affection and sympathy and above all, longing. 

'Six months, Phil. Six months is still a long time. A lot can happen. Six months might be enough!' Dan was hoping again, trying to reason with Phil, but it was such a lost cause with this stubborn boy had Dan loved him any less than absolutely he would have given up months ago. But he loved Phil completely, and was willing to try almost anything to overcome the barriers the older boy was putting up. These defensive walls, they needed to be knocked down Dan was sure, so sure. Phil was wrong; this wasn't what was best. Phil was causing them years of pain all in the space of only one. At least, even if long distance didn't work out, Dan's ideal gave them a few months of good memories to live on at least. 

Phil wasn't buying though. Six months wasn't the lifetime he'd dreamt of and anything that was going to end at some point or another wasn't worth pursuing in the first place, he thought. He was scared really, running away from a little heartache but leaving a dust cloud of disaster in his wake. 'Dan,' he groaned, letting the other boy take his hands gently, but trying not to notice how nice the contrast of their skins looked on one another, pale pink against the soft golden glow. 

'It won't be. How much we love each other…I just know nothing short of a lifetime will be enough and we can't have that long.' Phil tried his best to reason, but Dan was just as stubborn as Phil and he wasn't going to see; all he was thinking about was right now when they were together, not the future, not six months time when Dan would be coming home from the train station having said goodbye and have to face the rest of his life without Phil right there like he was now. The future wasn't going to be pretty. 

'But with six months we might be strong enough to keep it together long distance, just for a year, then I'll be at university too and I'll be closer and it will be so much easier and-'

Dan's interjection, his desperate argument, was cut off once more by Phil. How it always went: an endless disagreement that, once they'd now started, they could never back out of. 

'Dan, not this again,' Phil complained with a shake of his head. 'You know how much it hurts me to think this, but no matter how much I love you it won't change the 200 miles that are going to be between us. What we're doing now, I know it's hard to imagine when we can be only 2 inches apart, but what we keep doing now is only going to make the split hurt more. It's only making it all worse, the more we cling to each other. We're going to need a clean break which we can't have if I feel like I'm leaving you behind.'

He finished sadly, that forlorn expression back, replacing the furrowed brow of frustration. Phil wasn't mad at Dan; he could never be mad, no matter what Dan said to remind them both of how awful everything was. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault. It was just how things were. That didn't mean Dan was going to accept it lightly, however, and at Phil's words he scowled, turning away so he didn't have to notice the tears in blue eyes. 

'I liked it better when you were kissing me,' he muttered, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his head back against the wall in a sign of defeat. 'You weren't talking shit then,' he added coldly, but it didn't affect Phil too badly. It wasn't like he hadn't already heard worse from Dan's mouth and he knew it wasn't really Dan speaking either, it was just the frustration he was feeling coming out, nothing more. 

'It's late,' Phil murmured, his soft sigh breaking the silence that had followed after Dan's words. He was just trying to take care of Dan, protect him; everything he did he did for Dan, so why couldn't the younger boy see that this time? 'We should get some sleep,' he added with a glance over at the clock. Midnight, marking exactly six months, to the day, that Phil would leave. Too late, it was too late for either of them to do anything, not tonight. Dan didn't reply, however, but he watched the clock too, only speaking when the last zero ticked forward to a one. 

'You know it's going to feel like you're leaving me behind anyway. No matter what you do.'

Dan's words were soft but as always, there was that punch of bitterness accompanying them that made Phil cringe. It's not Dan's fault, he reminded himself, there was just nothing he could do. When Phil replied his voice barely came out loud enough to be heard. It trembled from his lips and hung in the air, resting on their tension. 

'I know. It's killing me.'

A respectful, almost mournful, silence followed for what felt like ages but had either of them looked back at the clock they would have realised no more than two minutes really did pass. If only the next six months could pass by as slowly. Eventually, the ice-cold tension between them was too hard for Phil to handle and he broke the silence with an angry sigh, catching Dan's concerned attention before the younger boy reminded himself he was still frustrated with Phil and he looked away again. 

Phil, hurt by Dan's cold treatment, bit back a small sob as he took a deep, shuddering breath. 'We'll work it out later, okay, but right now we're both tired. Let's just go to sleep,' he murmured, shuffling the opposite direction to which he wanted to go: away from Dan. In response, Dan let out an equally angry breath, but his expression softened slightly when he finally looked at Phil, their shared glance communicating the fact that by 'tired', Phil didn't just mean physically exhausted. Both boys were tired of the pain; they wanted out; they needed for it to be over, but neither really knew how anymore. 

'Fine,' Dan agreed reluctantly as Phil held the covers for them to curl up under. 'But I'm cold, so you're going to have to cuddle me,' he added hopefully, but he knew that was pushing his luck even before seeing the expression that had been appearing on Phil's face too frequently in recent times. That smile, normally what Dan considered one of the most beautiful things about Phil, now tainted with heartbreak; the exact expression that caused Dan so much pain himself. Sad, and forlorn, and incurable; a smile of sympathy and of pity and yet, longing, the torture of holding back from something both so wrong and so right. An expression that Dan knew all too well meant 'not tonight'. 

No, tonight Dan would have to settle for nothing more past the soft graze of Phil's fingers along his cheek once Phil had gently lifted the covers over him instead. Dan didn't want a duvet to keep him warm though. He wanted Phil's arms wrapping around him instead, not some carefully placed piece of fabric that made him no warmer being such a bittersweet gesture. 

Giving up, Dan let out the breath he'd been holding since Phil's touch in a loud sigh, rolling over so he was facing away from Phil again. He was making a point but regretted the fact that as soon as he did he could hardly tell if Phil was there at all anymore. He didn't reply when Phil murmured a very hurt 'good night' and he regretted that too, but he couldn't find his voice, fearful if he spoke he'd only break down crying now. He'd tried his best and it still hadn't been enough to win Phil over. Dan was starting to believe Phil maybe just didn't love him enough after all. 

The pain of the matter consumed Dan quickly and a few tears slipped out again that he was glad Phil couldn't see. There was no movement behind him, so Dan figured Phil was probably already asleep, the agony obviously not quite enough to keep him up too, and that thought only hurt more. So, deciding after a few, still minutes it was safe, he let out a quiet sob as he squeezed his eyes shut. So late it was almost mocking, Dan's soft noise was followed, however, by an equally soft shuffling behind him but just a little bit of Dan's pain was eased when he felt Phil move in behind him finally, wrapping his arms over Dan's side to clasp Dan's hand in front of his chest. And just for a moment Dan could smile sadly, almost amused at his own suffering, as Phil let out a quiet sigh into Dan's hair. 

They fell asleep like that then, cuddling, Dan's neck growing as damp with Phil's tears as his pillow was with his own.

5 Months

Phil was easily persuaded by Dan and each kiss that he told himself would be the last almost certainly wasn't. But Dan's tricks and desperate manipulations, no matter how good his intentions, just wouldn't last with Phil. He could only let it go on for so long before Phil was scared the mistakes he was letting Dan talk him into would ruin everything they had and he couldn't handle that. It was for the best, he reminded himself, only what was best for the both of them. So after a month of avoidance and denial of the situation, a month that could almost be called happy, just almost, they had another fight when Phil decided it was time to put his foot down. 

It happened again one weekend: a sleepover, just a normal Saturday night. Pizza, video games, movies, and Dan trying to distract Phil into a kiss. 

'Mm, Dan, no,' Phil complained, pushing a now very hurt looking Dan away. Pouting, Dan sat back on his heels, cocking his head to one side wondering what was up with Phil today. Sure, initially Phil had tried to be sort of strict with him, but over the last few weeks Dan had seen him relax more and more to the point they were basically friends with benefits. It had been sort of great and he'd grown used to the older boy giving into him, but now Dan was worried Phil was about to throw a spanner in the works again. 

'I can see what you're trying to do here, Dan,' Phil spoke softly but sternly and Dan's heart fell. It was obvious where this was going, and Dan was sure what he'd hoped would be a perfectly pleasant evening was now about to go downhill quite quickly. 'I can't let it go on any longer okay. It's not fair. I'm not going to let you trick me into anymore of this.' 

Dan frowned, insulted by Phil's words. Phil was making it sound like he didn't have any fault in this, like it was all Dan's doings. All Dan's sneaky manipulations and persuasion tactics left Phil totally innocent except Dan knew for a fact it wasn't always him that initiated the kiss, and even when he did, Phil always seemed more than willing to accept. 

'No, you're right. That isn't fair. I don't see what the problem is,' Dan replied defensively, knowing he should probably try and keep his cool unless he wanted the night to end in yet another stupid fight. He wasn't too worried though; it wasn't like this was the first time Phil had tried to remove himself from this situation, and every time, in a few days, they'd be right back where they started. 

There was something different about today though. When Phil sighed softly, giving Dan the usual sad smile, there was something different, something more serious in his expression and, as Phil explained, Dan grew more and more concerned that this really might be the end. Desperately, he cast his mind back, trying to remember which had been their most recent kiss, fighting to hold onto that one specific memory in perfect detail just in case it was going to be their last ever. 

'Dan, please just listen to me, okay. I'm only trying to keep you safe, okay. As your best friend I'm here to protect you, just like I've always done.' He paused to sigh again, knowing this wasn't going to be easy judging by the expression on Dan's face now. 'Look, it's not that this last month or so hasn't been amazing...You know I'm always going to be here for you, yeah? You know you can trust me, I know you do. So I need you to trust me now when I'm saying this needs to stop before we hurt ourselves anymore, okay.' He paused, looking up at Dan to gauge his reaction: definitely not the reaction he wanted. 

'Phil!' Dan tried to interject but Phil cut him off quickly; he had to get the words out before he second-guessed anything. He'd spent too long already deliberating and analyzing every moment in his head to try and change his mind and let this play out a little longer. He didn't like to hurt Dan but as he took a deep breath to remind himself now, this method would hurt the younger boy less, and if that was the case Phil didn't really have a choice. 

'Look, we've only got two options, okay. There are two things that can happen here but only one of them is worth it, Dan. We could get together now, which I know is what you want, but the fall at the end of it all is just so much greater. Think, if we had to find a way to go back to being just friends, and so suddenly too, when there's nothing we could do about it? Think of how hard that would be! Five months just isn't worth it!'

'We could have had a year,' Dan replied angrily, not doing so well in his aim to stay calm when Phil was saying shit like this. Of course it angered the younger boy to see his best friend just continue as if Dan had said nothing, just continue like his words weren't ripping Dan's heart to shreds. 

'Dan, if we just…don't do anything about this whole thing, it sounds worse, but the pain will be so much easier to bear. If we don't have to...break up at the end, it saves a lot of suffering.' Phil reasoned gently, but his calm tone only frustrated Dan more. Phil was talking about putting their relationship down like a dog; talk of ending pain and suffering, but did he not realise what this was doing to them both right now?

'That's ridiculous!' Dan's outburst shocked Phil but then again, he should probably have expected a violent reaction from the younger boy. When was Dan ever calm when it came to stuff like this? When wasn't he going to put up a fight? 

'Dan, please. There's only so many times I can tell you to listen to me before I know it's useless because you're not. But it all adds up, okay. A little bit of pain right now when I tell you we can't be together is inevitable, but we'll get over it quickly, I'm sure. We know it's been like this from the start, it's not coming as a shock. The other option though, there'll be a great deal more pain at the end and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over that. Loving you for 6 years then breaking it all off… I'm scared it might just rip everything apart so violently we'd never pick up the pieces and I can't lose you completely.' 

The softness to Phil's voice now wasn't so much an attempt for him to stay calm as it was because his voice was trembling and he couldn't have spoken louder if he tried. Dan certainly could though and when he replied, the anger and volume to his voice grated against Phil's soul. 

'Phil, my god, yes, your math makes sense okay, but only until you open your god damn eyes and realise you're missing something pretty important from the equation. What about all the pain you're causing us right now? All the pain you've been causing me for seven months, huh, where does that fit in? All you're thinking of, constantly, is how we're going to make the split at then end. You're not thinking about the fact that I cry myself to sleep every night, just praying to anyone who's listening that tomorrow is the day you wake up and get it through that thick head of yours that we can make this work! Do you know how long I've been agonizing over all this, searching for whatever reason it is that you just won't take a chance on us?! Why won't we work Phil? Why do you not think we could keep it together long-distance? Because the only reason I've got right now is you just don't love me like I love you, and you god damn know how much pain that thought can cause a person!'

There were tears in Phil's eyes by the time Dan finished, breathing heavily and staring hard at Phil, who struggled to choke out a reply. So much for trying to stay away from a fight. Phil took a deep breath, regaining himself, before answering Dan, hoping he was imagining the tears that were threatening to cascade from the boy's brown eyes. 

'Dan, I know you think it'll be easy to keep things together, but you've got to think in the real world here, okay. You'll have your exams to worry about; I'll have my coursework. We're going to have completely different schedules, and it won't be like you can just text me to meet up at the park if you get lonely. You'll have to cope without me and I'll have to make new friends. I'm just scared that with all that pressure, we just won't have enough time for each other and as soon as that's the case it's all downhill, isn't it? We won't talk as much as we should, or as much as we want to. We'll complain about being ignored, rejected, we'll probably fight and we'll break up, and it will be a whole lot worse than if we break up before I leave, because this will be malicious and hurtful and they'll be blame. But either way, I don't want to break up with you at all, Dan. And the only way I can see of avoiding that is to just not be in a relationship in the first place.' 

Dan only stared for what felt to both of them like the longest time possible before the younger boy began shaking his head slowly, bewildered, completely lost when it came to his best friend now. 'You don't get it, do you?' He whispered, the words trembling from his lips as he tried to take in too much at once. 

'It's just that phrase that you're afraid of, isn't it? Breaking up. That's the thought that scares you, but you don't get it, Phil. At the end of the year the exact same thing is going to happen only without the goodbye kiss, unless we try our relationship, or friendship, or whatever. Either way, it's not going to survive if we don't at least try! Either way you lose me, okay, so what you're saying now...' Dan paused here for a second as the dreadful thought occurred to him, an angry thought, one he wished he could deny but it was screaming at him louder than anything. When he spoke again his voice was lower, almost scary; it sliced through the tension that had become a constant, those words, the worst interpretation of their situation. 

'I don't know, maybe you were just planning on abandoning me at university anyway. I mean that makes sense, doesn't it? Maybe you still just see me as the little Year Seven trailing around after the Year Eight who he thought was oh, so great, huh?' Dan finished angrily, his confused, desperate thoughts wild and out of place, crazy and irrational. That confusion was displayed now in loud accusations when he just couldn't hold back the pain any longer. 

It made it all worse, the fact that Dan was practically shouting at Phil, and that his voice was so strained and desperate and he didn't stop despite the clear shock on Phil's face. Everything Dan was saying, none of it was fair, Phil was doing his best. Was Dan really thick enough to think that's what Phil thought of him? The younger boy wasn't going to listen to reason, Phil could see, not anymore now he was so emotional and in so much pain, but Phil didn't know how else to explain when he'd tried and failed so many times before. He could see suddenly Dan was on the edge, a threatened breakdown fast approaching; there was only so much you could put a person through right, before they'd break? Was Dan about to break?

'Dan, I don't want to get rid of you!' Phil pleaded, reaching out to grab Dan's hand, a gesture of how he was trying to hold on, grasping for anything he could still hold on to, like he'd been doing for so long now. 'How could you think that? You really think I could just cast you aside like that?' 

Misreading the situation, Phil offered a small smile with the last words, expecting Dan to take a deep breath, relax, maybe smile back as he shook his head, understanding how hard Phil was trying for them, realizing he was overreacting. Dan did none of that. None of Phil's words changed a thing and instead, Dan only shook his head again, pulling his hand away from Phil's in a rough movement, almost painful physically with how rough he was as well as emotionally. Dan was done, he didn't want to hear any more of Phil's excuses, he was sick of it all. All he'd wanted was something simple, just Phil's love; it wasn't complicated was it? But Phil had ruined all of that for them, tainted it, and Dan wanted out now. As he stared back at Phil now and saw only the pleading look in his eyes, no love, Dan was determined to not let the older boy hurt him any longer. If Phil was going to make things this difficult, Dan had to make the choice to remove himself from the situation now. There was another option that would cause less pain, Dan realised, and he may as well start getting over Phil as soon as possible. 

'Sure feels like it,' Dan muttered unenthusiastically; the moment he'd made his decision it felt like his soul had simply drained away out of his body. What was the point of feeling like himself when loving Phil had been the biggest part of him for so long? Not loving Phil, no, even worse, choosing not to love Phil, seemed a fate worse than death right now but Dan was sure he was only being melodramatic. He'd get over it, right? Staying here right now wasn't helping, though; he didn't need Phil to see him like this, broken. So he got up, giving Phil a sad glance as he turned away, preparing to let himself just slip away, only his physical body leaving though, because his soul belonged with Phil. 

Behind him, Phil sighed somewhat angrily and Dan heard him stand up, following Dan's actions. A moment later Phil's fingers were wrapping around his wrist, holding him back. 'Dan, where do you think you're going?' He demanded, clearly annoyed. Dan was just…running away? That was his solution?! Sure, Phil didn't really believe his solution to all this was much better, but at least he had the decency to stick around to try and at least explain his reasoning, make Dan understand his feelings. He didn't even know what had changed in Dan's mind to turn him from so obviously angry with Phil one moment, to heart broken, empty, the next. 

'Home,' Dan replied, pausing at the door, still turned away while Phil gripped his wrist tighter. Phil was sure he was probably hurting the boy, holding him so tightly, but he was scared to let go in case Dan really did just leave. 'I don't want to be here anymore,' Dan added, turning around slowly to look Phil in the eye. When their gazes met his expression was the saddest thing Phil had ever seen, and all his anger for the younger boy, frustration at his complete lack of effort with his emotions, it all dissolved in an instant though it had no reason to other than Phil's stronger urges to pull Dan into the hug that he knew wouldn't make anything better. When it came down to it, however, really, what else was there left to do? 

'Dan, please, come on. Don't be like that.' There was no other word for it, really, other than begging to describe what Phil was doing, but maybe if he just pleaded with the younger boy hard enough, he'd come around. No such luck, though, of course that wasn't going to work. If it were ever going to they wouldn't even be having this conversation right now because Dan would have accepted Phil's choices months ago. They were both just too damn stubborn to be on opposing sides and the constant battling only raised the tensions and the stress and made it much more likely that one of them would snap before long. Dan was the first to go. 

'No, no, it's fine,' Dan replied in cold sarcasm, finally yanking his hand away from Phil's grip, the expression on his friend's face as Dan's voice began to raise barely registering beyond how angry he was now that Phil just would not stop begging him. 'I'll go. I don't want to be a burden on your life or anything. Wouldn't want to stick around too long and make you uncomfortable, no. It's making everything easier that I'm leaving, isn't it? Or, at least, that's how you feel about going to fucking university!'

The raised voices were sure to bring about some concerned looks from downstairs but Dan had long since given up on caring if anyone else knew about their issues. Maybe he should ask someone else what they thought, though; they might be able to kick some sense into the idiot boy he'd fallen so hard for, Dan thought. The anger radiating off Dan was enough to annoy Phil as well now, and no matter how hard he tried to be the calm and reasonable one, when Dan accused him of such insensitive lies Phil couldn't help but want to shout back and get all his feelings out.

'Dan, don't be so utterly ridiculous!' he cried, 'I never said you were a god damn burden and don't act like I'm the one running away. You think I want this? I never said that's-'

'It basically is though, isn't it? You may as well have said it plain: when you go off to university I'm just going to be too damn difficult to keep around, aren't I? You're just going to trail off, fade out of my life, right? I can see it now. We'll probably start out just fine, yeah? You'll Skype me, and you'll text me, and I'll think it's all fine, you still love me right, and I'm so fucking gullible I'll believe anything you tell me! You basically control me! But you'll take your chance the first opportunity you get; you'll claim to be busy, making up excuses, maybe you're tired, maybe you had a lecture, but really, you just can't be bothered to call, or you'll forget to because no, I can't matter that much to you, can I? I'll forgive you though, cause I'm so desperately in love with you, but pretty soon you'll stop calling all together and you'll be gone and I'll be left trying to pick up the pieces of my fucking shattered heart, right? It'll be a fucking tragedy!' 

'Don't you dare, Dan. Don't you fucking dare.' Phil's voice was hoarse, barely whispered. Never had Dan hurt him this way before. Never had either of them hated themselves quite as much as they did right now; Dan, for the way he, time and time again, was only ever accusing Phil and speaking the worst words possible, words that he didn't even know how deep and how dark a part of his soul it must have come from, words he could never take back once they'd done their damage; Phil, for the fact he knew it was his fault his precious Dan was so irreparably damaged as to say all of this in the first place. 

'Do you really, really, think that after six fucking years I'm just going to cut you out of my life, just like that? Do you really think I'm not always going to make time for you, no matter how busy we both are, no matter how difficult you are sometimes…you think I'm just going to fucking forget you like you mean nothing to me? I plan on knowing you for the rest of my goddamn life, Dan! You're my fucking best friend, more than that, dammit, and you fucking know that, I know you do, all right, so don't try and act like I don't care about you, okay. I've always cared about you, and it's hard sometimes, sure, but it's never a burden. I've never not wanted to love you with everything I've got, all right. Not when you were twelve and spent all of lunchtime trailing after me on the playground. Not when you're having some breakdown about the meaning of your life and the purpose of existence, or whatever. Not even when you're being the biggest pain in the ass like you are right now. I still love you, dammit! University isn't going to change that; a million miles wouldn't change that! Nothing's going to change the fact that I need you, all right. I god damn love you, don't you get what that means?!'

Phil was crying again, the last words barely audible through his choked out sobs, but Dan got the message loud and clear and shit, Phil was impossible. Dan could almost do nothing but groan at how utterly frustrating Phil could be, because here he was, saying all these perfect things, begging Dan to understand, but Dan got it; it was Phil who couldn't comprehend his own thoughts.

'Then why the fuck aren't we together, Phil?! How is everything you just said any different from being my long-distance boyfriend?' Dan cried out in exasperation, all that hot emotion boiling up from before. The insanity of every contradiction out of Phil's mouth combined, releasing itself in a laugh Dan couldn't repress because just when was love this stupid and this complicated in real life? What the fuck was standing in the way of everything just clicking with Phil when it was like he knew it all already, he was just looking from the totally wrong angle. Why couldn’t Dan turn him around? 

'Phil, if you care that much-' Dan tried to argue, their situation becoming more and more ridiculous by the second as it was like both boys just wanted to scream out at the top of their lungs, or strangle the other, or...

'Dan, shut the fuck up,' Phil muttered but the sentence was half muffled as it was quickly followed by a passionate melding of their mouths. They kissed angrily for a few seconds, lips moving furiously as Dan pulled his fingers so hard through Phil's hair it hurt and Phil whimpered out in pain as he pushed back against Dan with all his force, the collision coming when he pushed Dan right up against the wall, trapping him there with his own body. They kissed out all their feelings for a few moments so when they finally pulled away, lips sore and swollen, neither was angry any more, but instead they'd sunken down into their subdued, submissive states where they didn't want to argue anymore. They were tired. 

They met each other's gaze for the longest time before Dan sighed, gingerly reaching up to quietly touch his fingertips to his lips. He was confused about a lot of things to do with Phil, but currently, first in his mind, he was wondering about that kiss. Phil was so eager to stay away from Dan, that was the side he was fighting for, but every single one of his actions screamed the opposite story. How much was Phil expecting Dan to take? 

'Phil? Love?' Dan began slowly as he caught his breath, keeping Phil's gaze as the older boy's chest rose and fell rapidly. 'I think you need to sort through some stuff by yourself, okay. Think about it all again,' he murmured gently. Maybe all Phil needed was just a little more time, then he'd figure it all out, but he'd have to do it fast because they were running out. 'I'm going to go home now,' Dan decided, 'before this fight gets any worse.' He'd remove himself from the situation again before he said anything else he'd regret. So, with that, he allowed Phil one last, sympathetic gaze, a soft touch to the cheek, the softest kiss to the older boy's forehead, before Dan was pushing Phil back from him and stepping away, walking out of the room and shutting the door, leaving them both alone, but it was a place that was becoming sort of familiar now if they dared to think about it. 

3 Months

'Only three more months, Phil.'

The softly, sadly, voiced worry would have been enough to distract Phil from his studying if, of course, he'd really been studying in the first place. It was probably a bad decision, he thought, to have let Dan come over in the first place when he was supposed to be re-reading English texts, but the younger boy had promised to sit back and remain silent. He'd been doing that a lot lately; staying silent, meaning he was leaving Phil way too much time to think about everything he'd done wrong and what, out of all of it, if any of it, he'd done right. He wasn't quite sure where they stood anymore and it hurt too much to analyze anyway, so Phil had settled into just letting himself feel the pain because Dan was right, he could admit that now; there'd be pain either way. 

'I'm supposed to be studying, Dan,' the older boy sighed, but placed the textbook to the side, swiveling in the chair to face the younger who was laying, stretched out on Phil's bed where he'd been watching quietly up until this point. 'Please, can we not talk about this right now.' Not now, not ever if Phil could help it. There wasn't much left to say considering it was already too late for any good to come of it, so what was the point of agonizing over the details time and time again when it never got them anywhere good? The pain was real enough without it being realised once more and Phil really should have been studying. 

Like always, however, Dan had different ideas, and ignored Phil's pleas in favour of confessing his own feelings regardless of Phil's pointless requests. From his point of view he was in enough pain that anything Phil could say back wouldn't really be much added on top. 'I'm going to miss you,' Dan admitted, as if Phil didn't know as much; really it was possibly the only thing on his mind. 

'I know, Dan. I'll miss you terribly too,' Phil sighed, giving up any hope of being able to concentrate on work for his exams, and instead getting up wearily and crossing the room to join Dan on the bed. There was only so much distance he could keep before the ache grew too intense for him to bear, and he was weak, oh so weak. On the bed he lay down next to Dan, letting the younger boy scoot closer and rest his head near Phil's shoulder. 

'What are we going to do about that?' 

Dan's sudden question pierced the silence but somehow Phil had seen it coming; Dan was never going to leave it alone for long. Any chance he got to try and persuade Phil he'd take a stab at, no matter how unlikely it was the older boy would ever change his mind. When there wasn't a right answer the only thing Phil could think of to do now was just hold on until it was over and hope the pain went away somehow on its own. Only three more months, maybe, to suffer.

Dan sighed when Phil didn't answer; he was growing annoyed and, in protest, he sat up again, removing himself from Phil's grip knowing the older boy would follow, desperately searching for what little sympathy he could still wrangle. 'You never answer the question, Phil,' he complained, arms crossed over his chest to prevent Phil from reaching out to hold his hand. It was more a sort of punishment, really, than a reflection on how little Dan wanted comfort himself, because he did. 

'It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. If you're so sure we wouldn't survive a long distance relationship, what makes you think we could survive a long distance friendship?' 

It was an excellent question and, of course, that meant Phil didn't really have a proper answer to explain. How could he possibly make Dan understand when he didn't really understand himself; it was just a worry, more than anything, that he had of fucking up and losing Dan and it was easier to screw up the closer you were to someone, the more you loved them. The tighter you held on the more likely it was to shatter all over the floor.

'It's just easier, okay,' Phil evaded the question expertly, he'd had many months of practice, and Dan had to sigh once more, just like he always did. 'I don't know why,' Phil muttered and again, Dan could have gotten angry, but he was exhausted from taking that route too many times. This time, all he wanted was just for Phil to understand that things really didn't have to be that hard. Happiness was so close. 

'With us, though? Would it really be, Phil?' Dan asked softly, finding it just as hard as Phil to stay away even if he tried and, without thinking, as his expression softened, he found himself shuffling round to sit next to the older boy once again, leaning back against the wall but looking over slightly to meet those bright, blue eyes. 'We're so close already...' He took Phil's hand between his own, tracing delicate patterns into his palm as he spoke, trying to distract himself from how true his words were and the fact no matter what he said and how truthful it was, Phil still wasn't going to see it that way. 

'If we were in a relationship, what would really be any different? I think we're close enough already aren't we; it's not like any other couple where we'd need to worry over impressing each other all the time. You've already seen me at my best, and at my worst, and we've had fights and made up, and you know every last secret about me. No one knows me better than you, Phil, so it's not like we'd have all that to go through. We wouldn't be like any other couple. You wouldn't need to take me out on dates, or buy me presents, or any other crap like that if that's what you're worried you won't be able to do. All I want is to be able to call you mine.' 

The last words were softer than the rest and spoken when Dan finally lifted his gaze once more to meet Phil's, allowing the older boy to notice the pleading desperation and painful honesty behind everything that had been said, which only made it all the more difficult to shoot it down with his next words. 

'Dan, you say that but really, you would want something more. You'd want all of that, you would, but none of it would be anything I could easily give you when I'm up in York and you're down in Wokingham. It's four hours away, love, and that's just too far to come down for date night every week.' Phil's quiet sigh as he finished what he thought was a valid point was not something Dan was going to buy into; hell would freeze over before he went down without a fight. 

'So you can get creative!' He suggested enthusiastically now, the idea catching hold and sparking the flame that forever kept their personal hell alight. 'Who says we have to do everything in such a stereotypical way? If you really think I'll be that deprived we'll have date night over Skype or, I don't know, you can send me care packages by mail, and maybe we won't see each other as much as we'd like but that just means you'll have to kiss me twice as hard when you do.' Dan's gentle smile wasn't enough to warm all the way to Phil's heart though, and that poor broken, worn out muscle cracked in two all over again when Phil had to rain all over Dan's parade once more. 

'Dan.' He sighed the younger boy's name as if the single word was, in itself, the source of his agony although, in a sense, that was correct. 'Please don't. You know you're only making everything more difficult. You know I'm not going to change my mind! You're meant to be helping me study anyway, unless of course, your plan is to make sure I fail my exams so I don't even go to university,' Phil threatened and it was Dan's turn to sigh as he recognized a lost cause when he saw one. Right now wasn't the best time, apparently, to convince Phil that his real plan would work and Dan tried to reassure himself he still had three months, and three months was probably long enough to finally convince Phil that they didn't have to fall out of each other's lives. Probably. 

'Fine,' Dan gave in, accepting Phil just wasn't in the best mood right now. Dan would put it down to stress, but he still wasn't going down without swinging one last punch. 'But only if you give me a kiss first. You know, to show how grateful you are that I'm here to test you on Animal Farm, or whatever,' he added with a slightly sly grin and Phil rolled his eyes, pushing Dan away when the younger boy leant closer. It was amazing how quickly the atmosphere could be shifted from that sad, uncomfortable tension, to something still painful yet more lighthearted in a way. It was the silent agreement between the two of them that for now, just for right now, they wouldn't discuss it, but of course, it would come up again and again and probably again, and maybe it would never be resolved but for right now it could be a problem for the future. Denial was their greatest enemy yet their strongest ally. 

'Dan,' Phil warned, 'You know how counterproductive that is to just about everything we've talked about.' His words and tone were threatening, but Dan was grinning for a moment before he knew Phil would give in anyway. It had been said before and it would be said again; Phil was weak, and Dan was his most vulnerable point. Basically, it went without saying he wasn't going to stay away from the younger boy for too long, despite all the problems he knew he was causing by letting Dan have his way. 

'You know you want to,' Dan murmured as he moved in closer, seeing Phil's expression glaze over slightly meaning it was too late to turn back now. What was one little kiss anyway? Certainly when it came and went as fast as the one small, soft kiss Phil allowed before pulling right away from Dan, scowling at the younger boy's triumphant smile. 

'That was mean and uncalled for and doesn't mean a thing other than I think you're hot and my self control is shit,' Phil muttered, but he had to smile as he handed the textbook over to a smirking Dan, knowing that yes, just for right now they were okay again and maybe they could stay like this; just okay and nothing more, nothing less, just for three more months. Maybe ‘okay’ could sort everything out. 

2 Months

Exams. 

Phil hardly saw Dan at all the entire month when he was so focused on succeeding in the exact things that would take him away from the love of his life. It was quite possibly the worst four weeks of his entire existence and it certainly was not 'okay'. He couldn't even begin to imagine how he'd cope in two months time when he'd be leaving Dan for university. How was he supposed to get through the rest of his life without the one piece of happiness that had made his life worth living, if he couldn't even last thirty days? 

1 Month

At this stage there was only really denial left. What else was worth doing? Dan had given up somewhere in the time he'd seen just how easy it had been for Phil to leave him alone all through his study leave last month, and now even he admitted one month, a mere thirty days, simply wasn't enough time to express every feeling Dan still felt despite his best efforts to just not feel at all. 

The summer days passed much too quickly but they were made the most of. Or at least both boys tried. Not a second was spent apart that didn't have to be, but every second together was only really serving as a reminder of the day to come at the end of the month. Doomsday: their deadline. With each day there was a little more pain accompanying the thought of what would end between them. So much lost, all of what was and what could, or maybe never could have been. 

Fittingly, it seemed the spark of their friendship had sizzled out now too, just in time, but it was only because neither felt they had anything to fight for anymore. Phil had had no hope from the start, and Dan's thoughts on the subject now only confirmed all of Phil's reasoning. Dan could only imagine just how much harder it would be if this was to be the last month they spent of their relationship instead of just a friendship. Those sadder thoughts too were the only thing that kept the older boy in perspective every day he spent trying to enjoy each last breath of fresh air as if it were his last with Dan by his side. 

It was a quiet month, not much said in the end. They'd both said it all; there were no more arguments left to be had. The days ticked by, each sunrise and sunset beautiful in its own sense, yet ugly in how it served no real purpose but to reflect 12 hours closer to the end. 

No Months 

'So I guess this is sort of it.'

The saddest of words were no more than murmured with the saddest inflection, the saddest expression, as Dan forced himself to look up into Phil's blue eyes on the last day. He was wondering how much longer he could afford to lose himself there in the swirling depths, how much longer could he really hang on before every part of his body gave out with the effort. When the reply came it came with an equal sadness, an understood kind of sadness, a shared sadness. 

'Yeah. I guess it sort of is.' 

How long was Dan going to stand there, holding himself back from Phil on this final fateful day? Loud train station, rushing crowds of people moving by, threatening to tear them apart; so many people, but the only one who'd ever mattered only a foot away. That was too far. Dan was rushing into a hug before it was too late. 

'God, I'm going to miss you, Phil,' he choked out the sob into the older boys chest, as Phil obliged to wrap his arms tightly around Dan one last time. This was it; this was really it, yet it couldn't quite sink in. Phil couldn't quite yet comprehend the full reality of the fact that in a few minutes he would be getting on that train and going off to someplace where he just couldn't hold onto Dan like this whenever he wanted. It was sure to be someplace incredibly lonely, and though he'd tried to be strong for all of twelve months, Phil was falling apart now at the end and he wasn't sure he could do it. A muffled sob escaped him as he ducked his head down into Dan's neck, hugging the young boy closer still. He tried to remind himself of all the good things he was going to get out of this parting; going to university would be fun, right? He could make new friends, and join societies, and he was going to be free and independent and studying the subject he loved and Dan wasn't going to be in his life anymore and that paled absolutely everything good, god, nothing could replace him.

'You think I don't know that?' Phil laughed darkly, knowing no amount of humour was likely to lift the mood anymore. There was no shaking this off with a joke and putting it aside for now, no dealing with it another time this time. No, this time it was real, too real, and there was no way Phil could have prepared for a pain so great it almost didn't seem to matter which path they would have chosen. Just when he'd thought he was protecting them both by keeping his distance from Dan, ‘there'd be less pain in the end’ he'd said, well that just wasn't true when it came down to it; there was definitely pain enough here that nothing he'd said over the last twelve months mattered. Maybe he'd made a mistake, but Phil wasn't quite sure because the agony of knowing at some point he'd have to step back and let Dan go was clouding his mind as much as his tears were clouding his vision. 

The moment came when Dan pulled away, forcing Phil to lift his head to meet wet brown eyes, Dan's desperate expression. They still stood with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, but they were closer to the break with each ticking second. 'You're gonna...Skype me, and stuff, right?' Dan asked timidly and another sob nearly escaped Phil because why did Dan have to force him to be realistic here, why right now? Couldn't Phil let himself believe any small lie just for now to take the edge off the pain? He didn't want to cry now. He wanted to cry later when Dan wasn't around to see; crying now meant he'd only have a few blurry last memories of Dan to go by. 

'I'm not ready to let you go,' Dan added, and he should have said it with a small smile but that was beyond him right now as he looked up at Phil's tear streaked face. The raw phrase instead was practically pleaded, Dan still trying desperately to hang on to every last inch of Phil he could reach, even in these last few moments. What he didn't know was, despite a whole year spent trying to prepare himself for this moment, Phil felt just the same way now; he wasn't sure he could just walk away and break them off, god, it was supposed to be a clean break, an easier break. 

'I'll do my best,' Phil whispered, but he was shaking his head sadly, he couldn't stop it. 'Please don't ask anything more from me.' He was trying to give himself an out, an excuse for not calling if it became too hard to see Dan on a screen and talk to him without holding him and hugging him and planting soft kisses to his forehead, his nose, every time he said something cute. Phil was going to end up letting him slip away, but only because it would be too hard to hold on so tightly at such a distance. It was an all or nothing kind of deal he realised; either cling on so tightly they remained inseparable and stay like that for the rest of their lives, which would be impossible, or let go of Dan completely. Phil just couldn't bear to admit that holding on with his arms out stretched was employing a strength he didn't have. 

The younger boy, however, remained innocent enough to not realise that, remained trusting enough to believe every word out of Phil's mouth. So while the expression on Dan's face now was painfully familiar, it took Phil a second to realise where he'd seen such an innocent expression before. Suddenly it was like he was looking at the Dan of six years ago, a small and scared twelve year old who had no idea how to make it on his own and was busy placing every last ounce of his trust and affection in the older boy who'd walked away from his friends to come and care for the lost boy alone on the edge of the playground. As Phil spoke such tentative words Dan was trusting him anyway, looking up at the boy who he'd pretty much worshipped all through secondary school, the only one who'd ever given him any kind of strength and he was begging for just a little bit more now in the end. They both were. It was going to take a hell of a lot more than expected to walk away now, and there was probably no other way to do it than quickly, like ripping off the most painful Band-Aid in the world. 

'I know, Phil. I won't.'

And that was when Phil really broke. The tears that were previously just dropping silently flowed into a roaring cascade, and Phil was holding back onto Dan like he was his lifeboat through the rapids, hugging him tightly in the last few seconds for all it was worth. Dan could feel Phil's pain radiating outwards; he could be sympathetic, empathetic, because it was the exact same pain he felt. A pain only the two of them could feel and no one else could understand.

The next few minutes till the end flew by, flashing like a montage they were watching from the outside rather than experiencing right now. A lot of things were said that didn't want to be heard, but had to be, and they both tried for a nice end, something that wrapped up all the lose pieces into one tight bundle that was easier to clean up when it was all over. 

'This was supposed to be a clean break, dammit,' Phil choked, face buried back in Dan's neck as Dan rubbed his hand up and down the older boy's back in what he hoped was at least a half soothing gesture. But what was the point of reminding Phil he was here now, when Dan knew in less than a minute he couldn't be, wouldn't be ever again. 

'I thought it would be easier this way, but it's not. I thought-'

'Phil, we both know that was never going to happen. Don't beat yourself up; it's not your fault. We're just too...there's just too much between us, it's like we're too interlinked as it is. Something’s gonna rip and tear when you pull us apart. I just wish I'd told you I love you sooner.' 

Phil shook his head violently as he pulled away, meeting Dan's eyes and trying to memorize every last shade of brown they contained. 'Dan, no, it's not your fault either, it's-'

'Right, Phil, there's no one to blame, okay. It's just how it is: life sucks, yeah? Now please, I don't want you to cry, or say anything, just let me say this one last thing, okay. I need to.' Dan finished with a questioning glance and Phil nodded silently, needing to hear what Dan was about to say, the final words that would sum up their whole relationship, their conclusion. Drawing a deep break, Dan began the end. 

'Look, I'm always going to love you. Some part of me always will, at least; you're always going to have a place in my heart no matter what happens from now on. I'm sure you feel the same way, right?' Phil nodded hopelessly in the small pause that followed before Dan continued with a soft, sad smile. 

'So let's just leave it at that, okay, let those pieces of us love each other, no matter how small or tucked away they become, and let that love stand for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. You know everything I've had with you, romantic, platonic, whatever, just being with you has been the best time of my life, so even if we fall out of touch at some stage when we grow older, and move on without each other, you're always going to be my most special memory, Phil.' 

There was nothing more beautiful Phil could think of to say to top that even if he could speak properly through the tears constricting his throat. Instead, he just murmured the words he knew best, the words that had been on repeat inside his head for nearly six years. 

'I love you, Dan.'

The younger boy smiled at that, his hand reaching up from the older boy's waist to gently touch his cheek, guiding him closer, standing up on his tip toes to reach. 'No more apologies. No more regrets,' he whispered looking between blue eyes. 'Just one more moment for just love, and one last kiss just for us, yeah?' He asked softly, melodically, and Phil nodded at the sweetest words he'd ever heard, giving permission for their last kiss that would truly mark their end. 

When their lips met, although it was much slower, it was as magical and uplifting as the very first time a year ago. So slow it was almost as if it wasn't happening at all, Phil could only be sure Dan was really there when he finally moved his lips softly against Phil's and he wants to pause there forever, never leave the comfort of Dan's touch. But of course, that's impossible and eventually Dan does pull away to look at Phil with a smile as soft as the kiss. 

Nothing more is said from that point, nothing more needs to be said. Any trailing last thoughts were summed up with the kiss, and any more words might have ruined the mournful moment. So instead, Phil quietly let go of Dan, slowly, but he did, and silently reached down to pick up his bags. Then he was walking away, turning around before Dan could see the fresh tears begin to fall. 

This was the right thing to do, right? Phil had said the right things; Dan had made their ending perfect. It was a good ending, Phil should have been happy. Yes, there were tears, but they were bittersweet ones, and walking away, Phil should have been glad they'd come to such a gentle conclusion. He'd always love Dan, that love just had to be hidden in the deepest recesses of his heart from now on and that made sense, he could move on and still love Dan from afar. That would work, so why was Phil so full of doubt and denial as he walked away now? Why couldn't he quite believe everything he'd just said to Dan and be okay with it? Why couldn't he get that through his stupid, stupid head? It was over, that was it, they’d ended it, no more. And the moment it would become the most real was about to happen when he stepped on the train...

The moment never came. Pausing at the edge of the platform, the loud babble of the station was drowned out in Phil's head by Dan's words echoing between his ears, almost too loud for him to think, but just in time, clarity hit harder than the train would have and Phil stopped dead at the edge of the tracks. Everything was suddenly crystal clear and he wanted to kick himself as he only now realised what an utter load of bullshit everything they'd just said was, and what a stupid, fucking thick idiot he'd managed to be for an entire twelve months. 

The thud of his bag dropping, slipping from his hands in pure shock, was enough to break through the trance of Dan's delicate lies about how it would all be okay if they just held onto the memory of each other, and what a stupid thing to say that was, because something this damn good you didn't just walk away from trying to savour what little you had, you god damn fought for more. 

So in an instant Phil was running, running back through the crowds that separated him from the only thing that had ever made him this damn happy, running back to where he belonged, running back to the space that would be his home no matter how many miles away he was. What was time or space, just a stupid illusion fabricated to try and trick him out of happiness and pull him away from love, but not any more; he was going to fight just like he was fighting his way through the people now, and fighting his way through every dumb thought he'd had in the last year. Overcome it all; he was running back to love, running back to Dan. 

'Phil?!' The younger boy cried out in surprise as Phil came crashing into him, pulling him into a painfully tight hug. 'What the fu-' 

He never got the full word out because, without warning, Phil was pulling him into a deep and passionate kiss, more forceful and desperate than before, like he was trying to pack the power of a million kisses into one. Dan tried again when Phil finally pulled away but again, didn't quite get the chance. 

'Phil? What are you-' he tried to splutter out the sentence, almost angry that Phil was ruining their whole closure thing, but he didn't have the time because Phil was too busy taking up Dan's entire attention span by peppering him with smaller kisses now, everywhere he could reach. His lips, his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his jaw, back to his lips. These kisses were short and desperate, like Phil was now trying to fit as many individual kisses as he could into the shortest space of time, trying to kiss Dan as many times as he could. 

'There,' he explained triumphantly when he finally pulled back, grinning wildly at Dan's bewildered expression. It was a beautiful moment this, Phil having made up his mind but able to savour Dan's confusion as the younger boy still had no idea what was going on, or how happy he was about to be. 'That's to make up for the last twelve months. Well, that was like a day’s worth, maybe, so there's a hell of a lot more where that came from.' Phil continued to grin, holding onto Dan at arms length, a distance that seemed plenty close enough now compared to how it had felt a few minutes ago, while Dan was still frowning. 

'Phil, what are you talking about?'

'We'll try long distance, okay.' 

Phil was speaking quickly, faster than he'd ever rambled on about anything before in his life, just desperate to get out all the words he'd been repressing since day one, everything he'd been meaning to say but had deluded himself into believing was a lie. All Dan could do was hold on tightly for the ride. 

'We can make it work, you're right. I will make it work. It's only four hours by train, and that's really not that much. I can come and visit you every chance I have, and you can come and visit every half term, and I'll Skype you and text you every single day, and I love you, Dan, I love you so, so, so much. I promise you from the bottom of my heart I will make this work, and I'm sorry I've waited this long to realise that, and I'm sorry I've wasted all our time, but it's only twelve more months until you're going to university too, then it will be easier and when we both graduate we can live together and be happy and, and...I love you so much, it will all be worth the wait so please, please, please say yes Dan, please!' 

Dumbfounded, instead of answering Dan didn't say anything, leaving Phil's previously wide grin to fade into worry, but it did so in vain because a moment later Dan was laughing and pulling Phil into yet another kiss. 'Slow down, you're going to hurt yourself,' the younger boy chuckled as he pulled away, giving Phil a warm smile the older boy returned a little sheepishly. 'You're a fucking idiot for waiting this long and I swear to god I'm going to kill you the first chance I get...but god, do I love you, Phil. Of course we can make this work, you spoon. That's what I've been saying all along!' 

Phil's grin slowly widened until it was spreading across his entire face at Dan's words. Dan's brilliant, perfect words that made everything okay again. Twelve months really didn't seem like a long time to wait after all; only twelve more months and everything was as perfect as it could be. The tears falling now were only tears of happiness, Phil finding no other way to fully express how overjoyed he was that Dan had said yes; that meant Dan forgave him and that meant the world considering what Phil had put him through.

'I'm sorry I didn't realise I couldn't live without you until I was leaving you,' Phil whispered, pulling Dan into another close hug, once upon a time he’d be memorizing the feel of their bodies fitting together but this time he knew it would only be another few weeks before that memory could be renewed. Dan laughed into Phil's chest, an amazing sound really, before he pulled back to give his boyfriend a quick kiss on the cheek. 

'I forgive you,' he replied softly, shaking his head with a grin, biting his lower lip as his eyes scanned Phil's smile. 'Now go get on your train, you're going to be late!' He laughed, trying to push Phil away but the older boy held on, smile dropping as he gave Dan a more serious look now, hands dropping from the younger's waist to entwine their fingers together as Phil spoke from the heart. 

'There’s so many things I want to say to you right now, Dan. I wish we had hours and hours to talk about us! I'm so…mad at myself for not realizing sooner, I-' Dan shut him up with another kiss so he never finished the thought. 

'Philly, calm down love. I said I forgive you right? I do, you moron, believe it. Now we've got the whole rest of our lives to talk about us, okay. It's going to be amazing, yeah?' Dan spoke softly once more, leaning close to push Phil's fringe back from his forehead so he could plant another kiss on the spot. It would probably take a while for the younger boy to get used to the idea of being able to kiss Phil as much as he wanted, but he certainly was going to take advantage of the fact. 

Hesitantly, Phil nodded after a second, letting himself believe Dan was right, although he almost wished he could just catch the next train, the one that left in like, five hours time, so he could spend all the seconds between now and then apologizing to Dan for not believing in them until the last possible moment. He knew Dan would force him into not-that train though, and soon, because the one he didn’t want to get on was calling now for final boarding and Phil only had a few more seconds left to hug the younger boy. 

'I'll text you on the train?' Phil asked as Dan began dragging him back towards where he'd stupidly left his bags in the heat of the moment. Stopping there, Dan grinned but shook his head, holding Phil out at arm’s length to take in everything he was as he stood there with that adorable, slightly confused look in his face and that longing and love behind his eyes when he met Dan's. 

'No. Wait until you get there, save it all up, then when you're all settled at York you can call me and I'll tell you how much I love you then.' Phil's smile sprang back up at those words, I love you, and at the affectionate smile Dan gave him now. Knowing how much he really did love Dan, it was hard to believe he'd once thought they, out of all people, couldn't make it work long-distance. They probably wouldn't even need to try with a love this strong; it would work because when it came down to it, Phil finally saw they were entangled so closely with one another that, rather than the separation he'd feared, they could just never be torn apart. And how could he ever have doubted Dan's love for him, ever believed Dan would be better off without him? That adorable, amazing Love-Of-Phil's-Life who only laughed that brilliant laugh of his once more when Phil opened his mouth to try and apologise once again. 

'Yeah, yeah, we get it. Okay, it's your fault, all your fault,' he joked, unable to stop grinning as he picked up Phil's bags for him, stooped slightly under the weight, but he carried them onto the train seeing as it didn't look like Phil was going to do it himself anytime soon. He turned around at the door to the carriage where Phil had followed awkwardly, reaching out to touch the older boy's cheek as a faint blush was growing. 'It doesn't fucking matter, Phil,' Dan reassured him, shaking his head one last time, willing Phil to believe that. All that mattered was they were together now, nothing that came before. 

'Now just get on your train because it's literally about to leave and you're pissing people off holding everything up,' the younger boy added, stepping forward and taking Phil's face in his hands to press one more quick kiss to the corner of his lips. 

'Yeah,' Phil laughed, with a quick glance around to realise Dan was probably right; he was usually right, after all. 'Right, uh, okay, bye then, for now. I'll see you at your half term right, that's only like three weeks away and you can come up and we'll hang out and stuff,' Phil raced through the words, flustered by the way Dan was looking at him now; a smile that was pure love, no sadness hidden below the surface like there had been for twelve months, no regrets, no pain, and no suffering. Just love. 

'Phil. I know all of that. Come on, they're blowing the whistle!' 

It took Dan literally pulling Phil onto the train to make him leave; he really didn't want to let the younger boy go, not when he'd only just figured out how to keep him around for the rest of his life. Eventually, however, they were on opposite sides of the door of the train that would take them so many miles apart, only right now they knew that distance wasn't going to stop them. 

When the doors closed, Phil only had one last thing to say to Dan before he wouldn't see the boy for another three weeks, and although Dan probably couldn't hear him through the thick sheets of glass, the words he spoke were pretty easy to lip read, and even through a grin, Phil knew Dan was responding with the same. 

I love you. 

I love you too. 

Grinning back, even as the train began pulling slowly out of the station, Phil felt on top of the world. There had been a great deal of pain along the way, he knew, but even waiting twelve months to realise it would work, Phil thought, with how good it felt right now to finally say he could be with Dan, that was worth the wait anyway. 

12 Months Later 

Phil was bouncing on his toes, wrapping his arms around himself tightly in an attempt both to protect himself from the cold and hold himself together, because it felt like he was about to collapse into a million pieces from the nerves. He was on edge, gaze anxiously flipping between the arrivals board and the platform, every new train making his heart stop, only to restart when he realized it wasn't the one he needed. 

All hope of remaining calm had been lost long ago, but the butterflies in Phil's stomach became a hurricane when the train he'd been waiting for finally pulled in. Phil's phone vibrated in his pocket as it did, but he didn't bother checking; it was probably Dan but whatever Phil would have replied with could wait just a few more moments and anyone else didn't really matter much right now. 

Trying to keep watch on every carriage at once was an impossible task, but when Phil finally found what he was looking for his heart leapt a mile out of his chest. 

'Dan!' He cried quite literally, and with tears now running down his cheeks he took off at a sprint, keeping his gaze fixed only on the familiar fringe of his boyfriend. The wind whipped Phil's black hair around his face wildly with the speed, and people were frantically ducking out of the way as the 19 year old raced through the crowds but the only thought on Phil's mind right now was getting to Dan as quickly as he could. 

An entire year of longing and waiting and countdowns, hours long Skype calls and phone calls and texting; it all boiled down to this one amazing moment. When their eyes met through the crowd waiting an entire year for this moment definitely seemed worth it. 

'Dan!' Phil sobbed happily as he skidded to a stop right into his boyfriend's arms. 'I can't believe you're here. I missed you so much,' he murmured into the younger boy's neck, holding him close as Dan laughed, pulling back after a moment to take in exactly how all of Phil's features came together into the biggest, happiest grin. 

'You saw me two weeks ago when you were back visiting your parents,' Dan reminded the older boy with a soft chuckle, looking up at Phil with his own beautiful smile. 

'Yeah, but now I can see you every day,' Phil whispered; such a quiet sound it would have otherwise been drowned out in the white noise of the train station, but Dan heard only because Phil was so close to him when he whispered it. 

'Was I worth the wait?' Dan answered, softer because he was even closer. Foreheads pressed together now and the surrounding crowd was forgotten; fingers were interlaced as the lack of distance between them now was made the most of. It had been a hard year for both, but along the way they'd learnt if there's one thing that can span any distance set and transcend any length of time given, it's love. 

In response to Dan's question, Phil needed to do nothing more than connect the final space between them by leaning forward into a kiss whose tenderness would be eternal.


End file.
